centered
by ChappiRuki
Summary: [hiatus] She was always careful and quiet until he comes in. He picks up the pieces she lost, and she returns the favor. sorta AU.
1. meet, move, out

"Hello classmates, I'm Kuchiki Rukia. Pleased to meet you all."

He stiffens at the rigid, prideful voice and turns to look at her; her cheerful eyes and carefully sculpted smile are so sweet, so _fake_ that he can't help but cringe, yet, he narrows his eyes, her rigid and classy posture was so similar to someone he couldn't pinpoint to. But he knows one thing for sure-

-he did not like that person, and therefore would not like this person either.

The others feed on her lies and instantly fall for it, impatiently waiting to be seated next to her.

He turns away and hopes she will be far from his sight.

"You will sit next to Kurosaki Ichigo."

The fangirls wail; the fanboys glare.

She keeps her plastered smile on and then the teacher says-

"Kurosaki, please share your textbook with her."

He scowls while shifting his desk closer to share; he really didn't want to interact with people any more than he had to, especially with her.

Ichigo shifts his textbook closer to her and glances up, her eyes were on him. Usually he wouldn't be bothered by it since he always without fail received stares for his flashy, orange hair. Yet her stare was not eye-gaping, she was looking at him, like she could see how empty he was.

And that was the last thing he wanted.

"Is there something...?"

She hesitates, then says-

"-Thank you, but," she says in a low, firm tone, "I don't need it."

He blinks once, twice, then says-

"-Are you sure?"

"Yes," she replies convincingly as she flips through her sketchbook.

Ichigo slowly retrieves it back.

"Kuchiki-san, please read verse 10."

He pushes the book back at her, but she instead stands with her sketchbook in hand and -he observes- seems to be reading from it.

"I dive towards what I cannot see, what I cannot hear, fearlessly. It is dark, it is black, and yet for a reason only I could understand, I feel it brim within me-

-freedom."

"Perfect. Thank you Kuchiki-san, you may sit down."

As she sits down, Ichigo eyes her from the corner of his eyes, and swears that while she read, he'd heard something he'd never heard so definite and clear before-

-longing.

* * *

"Did you memorize the entire book?" He asks curiously after the period ends.

She pauses, then, "not exactly", before leaving him more puzzled than ever.

He watches her disappear down the hall, then turns to leave himself.


	2. observant

The door opens and he sees _her_ coming to the roof.

He twitches but doesn't move from his spot.

She gives a curt nod to him and then places her elbows on the rails and looks out ahead.

With one eyebrow raised, he continues to observe her, then he decides that she wouldn't do anything to him or disturb his privacy.

He returns his stare back at the sky.

* * *

It becomes a routine.

The bell rings and Ichigo goes up the steps to the roof and lies down. She comes up and leans forward on the rails and stares ahead of her. He returns his eyes up towards the sky. And when he's about to leave, she's already gone.

No conversation is ever passed between them.

It's a few days later that he finds himself looking at her whether he likes it or not.

First time, he observes her form and posture and notices that it's relaxed, no curt smile, no tension, just relaxation. He decides he likes it.

Second time, she tosses him his book, which he of course catches it spontaneously; it's one of Shakespeare and he glances over at her in wonder.

She doesn't look back.

Third time, he's up on the roof's little building; she stands at the doorway staring at the empty spot then looking up at him, lying on top of the roof's building. Rukia chuckles, bends down, picks it up, and returns to her spot, lunch in hand.

He grins despite himself.

Fourth time, he walks up the steps and she's there first for once, in her usual spot, yet this time he can see her face, the face she is making.

And he knows that expression, he knows it because it's the same one he always makes when he's out here, lying on the roof and just staring straight up, as if hypnotized. It catalyzes his heart into a steady rhythm that soothes him.

Maybe, maybe she too, has a wound that wouldn't heal.

Fifth time, his eyes are so prominently bloodshot red that even Rukia can't help but pause and look at him. At first, he thinks she's going to back away and run off, screaming and gossiping away that he secretly smokes weed, or that he's a vampire waiting to bite someone. Instead, she straightens her back, boldly walks over to him, and looks at him in the eye.

"You need sleep," she says it as a matter-of-fact.

"I can't," Ichigo says hoarsely, "got too much on my mind."

Rukia's gaze softens.

"I know," she says quietly, "but you're going to make people worry and you're not the type to want that," she says determinedly.

"How do you know?" he asks as she pulls him down forcibly onto her makeshift pillow.

"Because you're easy to read," she says casually, but he senses that the tone meant she didn't want to talk anymore about it, so he let's it go.

"Isn't this the part where the girl offers her lap?" he asks instead, giving her a playful grin while lying down.

"No, because I don't want stiff and sleepy legs afterwards," she snarkily replies.

He laughs shortly and it dies instantly as it came- it had been awhile since he'd laughed, if ever, since then; Rukia looks over at him and says-

"You can sleep Ichigo. I'm right here."

Before he falls asleep, he realizes that this is their first, real conversation-

-and that she called him Ichigo.

* * *

a/n: holy shit, i'm on my second chapter in a day already; well that's cuz i wasn't satisfied with just that short first one; i think imma make this slow-paced. maybe. idk. i don't make any promises- least not anymore.

review? :3


	3. scratch the surface, then fall

warning: ooc. kinda.

* * *

"Oh my god!" The girl whisper-screeches as she passes by, "It's the Kuchiki girl!"

"That girl? She's tiny!"

"But it is her! She's Kuchiki Byakuya's sister!"

"Sister? She's damn lucky to have such a hottie as her brother!"

Everyone has eyes on her yet not. They gossip, blabber, and never fucking shut up. It doesn't matter how many times she moves, the result is always the same.

She craves being the nobody, the ghost that swims through crowds, crowds, and crowds of people without a single glance looking towards her, prying riches from her arms, legs, body, but never the heart.

Never the heart.

She slams the door and carefully steers her eyes away from his as she walks over to the rails. Rukia leans against it with her elbows; still restless, she rests her head against her arms, then she sits down, and finally sprawls out across the floor.

Ichigo observes her unusual behavior and moments after, then he finally makes up his mind and walks over to her.

"Hey."

She doesn't reply.

He sighs and tells her to eat; she shakes her head quietly. When she can still feel his presence hovering over her, she finally speaks, an elbow over her face, "Just give me a few more hours. I'll be fine by then so just...leave me alone for a moment."

Ichigo tightens the edges of his mouth and swings her over his shoulder.

"What the-?!"

He says nothing.

"Put me down this instant!" Rukia insists, beating his back with her fists, "Now!"

"Why?"

"_Because_ t_he media is going to paint this all over the front page_," she emphasizes exasperatedly, "I refuse to have them antagonize you over something as silly as this!"

"Will you _stop_ degrading yourself? Your feelings are not pointless."

"To hell with feelings! Your family will get involved in this eventually!" she says, trying to talk sense into him, "the Kuchiki clan is going to be after you until you die!"

"Then to hell with the Kuchiki clan," he says casually, "and no, they won't come after me."

"Stop saying such meaningless-"

"Just shut up and lemme help dammit!" Ichigo finally snaps angrily.

"No," she says coldly then continues before he could retort, "not until you promise you won't be on the news."

They both glare at each other (or at least they tried since he had to turn his face far and failed miserably).

"Ok."

Rukia furrows her eyebrows at his easy assent, feeling quiet suspicion that something was going to happen. He walks over to the edge of the building and puts a leg on the rail. Her eyes widen.

"You...you cannot be serious-"

"You made me promise that," she can feel that smirk on his face, "so I have to go the harder way."

"Damn you, IchiIGOOOOO-!"

* * *

a/n: forgive me for the oocness? pretty please?


	4. enter and hope

a/n: don't you just hate it when authors put translations at the END of the fanfic? and then you're reading the japanese like 'wtf?' and once you're at the end you have to go back and reread it again with the right translation but then at that point you're like 'where is it again?' and once you find it you don't know what's the point of this anyways and then finally you're like: 'fuck this!'

well that's why i'm putting it at the beginning :D (which if i think about it, isn't any better really -_-" aw well, tell me what you guys think!)

Kendo: a modern Japanese martial art that's from swordsmanship, or kenjutsu

+Shinai: bamboo sword

+Bokken: Japanese wooden sword

* * *

Ichigo heaves her down carefully to the floor, but they both know she's the one that clambers off of him instantly and takes in deep gulps of breaths. Still leaning against the wall, Rukia opens her eyes only to find him staring back at her; she scowls.

"Don't give me that face baka, I'm fine."

He smirks, "Yeah, you are." He shuffles over to the side of the room and opens a closet door, rummaging through it. Rukia recovers and stands up straight, catching a flying shinai.

She stares down at it in awe, "...This..." -she looks back up at him in wonder- "...how do you have this here? I never heard that the kendo club was still around on this campus."

"There used to be a kendo class around here during my freshman year," Ichigo sits on a nearby wooden chair, putting his chin against the handle of his shinai, "I didn't know about it until Kenpachi slammed the kendo club sign into my face," he grimaces at the memory, "I wasn't too happy about that, but the moment he saw me, he just wouldn't let me _not_ join so I did."

"As if," she snorts, "he forced you to fight him without any of the usual uniform 'cause he thinks that's not manly, found out your potential, and wouldn't let you leave until you joined them."

Rukia notices Ichigo's stare and averts her eyes from his, dreading the moment when all the scared comments would pour down to crush her. Then he did something she never thought he would-

-he laughs.

"First the textbook memorization and now this?" he shot her a curious look, "what else do you have up your sleeve?"

"Who knows?" Rukia says with an innocent shrug. "Maybe you're just too dumb."

"YOU-"

She flies at him with her shinai and smiles sweetly.

"Now that I have you riled up, we should do more fighting, less talking," she pushes him back and flashes him a wild look, "besides, it's payback time don't you think?"

The life drains from his face, and before they leap back to strike at each other again, he thinks-

-_thank god I didn't give her a bokken_.

* * *

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	5. clean leftovers

"_Damn_," Ichigo says in awe, lying on the ground and staring up at the ceiling. He turns and looks at her. "You're _good_."

"Of course I am- I'm a Kuchiki," Rukia smirks while standing, "you're not bad yourself."

"Yeah...but _damn_," he says again as if in disbelief, "no one has been able to take me down like this. I think you're the first one in a long time."

"It's something you earn after months of training and years of fighting," she remarks lightly, eyes focusing on something he couldn't see, and before he can go over to her, she looks at him with a confident smile, "Looking at your skills however, you'll probably master them soon. However-" -she strolls over to his lying form- "lying around here without going against stronger people, without _losing_, makes you overconfident and narrow-minded, remember that."

"Yeah," he says, "I will."

The silence settles over them but more peaceful and simple than before-

-something neither of them had for a very long time.

* * *

After that, they occupy the dojo, be it for minutes or hours, they're there, fighting, sometimes talking, and sometimes lazing around. No one knows this place, so no one interrupts them, she likes it, he likes it-

-it's their own world.

"What...what are you _doing_?"

Rukia looks up from her work and raises an eyebrow.

"Cleaning this place."

"But...but why?"

"It's gotten dirty lately," she comments, while wiping each shinai, "plus, there's still some dust left around that you missed."

"Wha-"

"Don't take me for a fool Ichigo," Rukia gives him a dry look, "you've been here and cleaned here before without anyone looking. I could tell the moment I stepped in here. Do you own this place?"

"Yeah," he nods, "ownership was passed onto me."

"What a kind man Kenpachi is," she chuckles, "you kind of suck at cleaning."

"I do-"

"Here," she tosses him a mop and kicks a bucket of water over to him without it spilling, "go clean the floor."

"Why do _I_ have to clean the floor while you wipe the shinais and bokkens?"

"First, I'm already doing this for free without charge so you should thank me," she puts down a shinai and picks up a bokken, "second, you clearly suck at cleaning these 'weapons'" -she eyes him without moving her head- "and before you go complain to me about using a vacuum, understand that that makes noise, which brings nosy people here, which we do not need to initiate."

Ichigo grumbles but takes the mop and bucket over to the starting point and does his part.

* * *

"This is good," she finally says after repeatedly telling Ichigo to get rid of certain spots and cleaning out the rest of the room.

Ichigo looks around the room with appreciation despite his aching ears that ringed with Rukia's commands and short rebukes.

"It really is," he looks at her and gives her a smile of gratitude.

She returns the smile.

"No problem, although, really," -she raises an eyebrow- "it's a miracle that you managed to keep this room standing" -she continues before he can retort- "Kenpachi must've known you'd suck at it so he made sure it would last even then" -she looks over at him with an arched eyebrow- "well, even if you are pretty terrible at this, I commend you for taking care of this room for so long."

He stares at her blankly then looks away, a little red in the face. Rukia smirks knowingly but decides not to tease him.

It was pretty cute after all.

* * *

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a/n: on a side note, I just wanted to thank the very nice reviews from Vivienne Iforgot Myname and eannseachel; I'm also happy you guys liked it enough to favorite and follow it (WOOP!); hopefully you guys got my private messages annnd I hope you two and the rest like this new chapter!


	6. recurring the same, but not

They make sure the dojo is clean every week; at the end of it, he ends up looking around in appreciation because before, before it had been so lifeless, colorless, but now -he looks over at Rukia who comes out of the closet after changing into her uniform- now it's full of life, something that he thought he'd never have again.

Ichigo grabs his bokken and quickly defends himself against her lethal form. He grins easily as they fly at each other again, and again, and _again_.

When it's done and over for the day, the both of them usually bicker a little, then move on into silence, the type that doesn't consume them but rather the type that is with them. And they're okay with that.

He admits to himself that life isn't as bad as he thought.

* * *

Then he doesn't find her there.

Ichigo stands at the door, fixing his gaze across the dojo in a stand-still with an empty stare. In his numbness he could sense it, something is off, entirely off, and he feels like he's about to hyperventilate and collapse into a puddle right then and there, which he usually thinks is pathetic but right now he couldn't care less; but he _still_ doesn't quite know what it is-

-or at least he pretends he doesn't know the feeling.

"Ichigo?"

He turns slowly over his shoulder and feels his entire body sag in relief; he holds himself up with his hands on his knees.

_She's still here._

"Ichigo," she nears his bent form and grips his shoulders, prompting him to look into her determined eyes that say one thing and one thing only-

-_I'm here_.

He breathes and feels the life seep back into his body again; he smiles.

"I'm fine."

His world spins on the right axis again.

* * *

"Rukia," Ichigo calls out one day while lying on the floor; from her place, she looks at him with confused eyes -usually they'd enter one of their silent moments of just quiet breathing, but she answers anyways.

"Yes?"

"Do you know Kenpachi?" he asks carefully and waits with bated breath while she bites her lip in hesitance.

"Yes."

Ichigo looks at her with wide eyes; she doesn't look back at him.

"Kenpachi is...one of the people I've fought with before," she started, startling Ichigo with this bit of info, "he was ruthless and laughing hysterically...but I had fun, more than I should really" -she absently twirls her shinai.

"...I see," Ichigo says quietly, returning his gaze to the ceiling, and bravely ventures on, "do you know where he is?"

"Not as of now, no," she replies, then looks at him inquiringly, "are you looking for him?"

Ichigo turns his head away, and all she sees is the back of his head.

"No, if he wants to be gone, then that's ok."

She looks at him with observant eyes then tightens her lips, assessing how bad this could go if she tries, because she knows he knows but won't admit to himself; and the fact that people of this caliber usually refuse to hear the truth whether it would help them or break them; then she remembers what he's done for her, inhales deeply, and goes over to him.

"Up," she demands out of the blue.

"What?" he asks bewilderedly.

Rukia waits impatiently, glaring at him.

"Ok, ok..." he slowly gets up.

"This dojo" -she waves an arm around the room- "is reserved and still around isn't it?"

"Yeah," he replies with a confused look, unsure of where she's going with this.

"Normally abandoned rooms are either torn down or left alone or even replaced by another purpose, like a club, a class, etc.," she explains, "and yet it's still here, not only that, he left the key with only you."

"So?"

"_Ichigo_," she says exasperatedly, "he never abandoned you; he wanted to give _you_ his place, not Yumichika, not Ikkaku, not even Yachiru!"

He stiffens immediately, and tosses the fact that she even knows them aside; instead, he focuses on what she means to say.

"...Yeah, you're right," Ichigo relents, "but he's not here" -he tightens his jaw and hardens his gaze- "None of them are."

She crosses her arms and leans against the wall, as if his words had triggered something she remembered. Ichigo extends his arm and is about to say something that would mean absolutely nothing but bullshit optimism, but then she's looking at him, her gaze soft and understanding.

He drops his arm.

"People all leave and follow their own paths eventually," she says quietly, "he's on his own path and left you this, but even so" -she points at his heart- "the bonds don't ever disappear from there. They'll always be with you no matter where you go, whether you like it or not" -she waves an arm around the room- "and this, this is physical evidence of that, what he left you and what you did with it."

Ichigo silently stands still and really looks at the room with a different gleam in his eyes, then it focuses on her; she doesn't look away.

"Yeah," he says absently as he feels a heavy door that's yanked open by her words and his willingness to venture in, "yeah."

He feels a little less lost than before.


	7. quiet infiltration

Rukia contemplates about a lot of things, things that make her dive deeper into a black hole that shows no escape. But with _him_, it's becoming less and less.

She bites her lip-

-she doesn't know if she likes it or not.

Of course, Rukia feels freer because he manages to occupy her mind in the dojo, where she doesn't have to worry about being recognized or being manipulated, where she can just be herself a little. However -she scrunches her eyebrows together- she is afraid that he'll become too attached to her as he had clearly shown the week before.

But even she knows that it isn't truly the result of missing her, it was because he'd been abandoned before -a lot more than he was willing to admit to her- and for him to open even a crack of his heart to her and then to be abandoned again-

-he would _break_.

Rukia looks up and stares at the picture in front of her.

She knows that feeling all too well.

And she curses herself for that, for being able to empathize with him, for being unable to leave him.

* * *

So when Ichigo asks if he could visit her place, she adamantly refuses. Ichigo raises an eyebrow at that and then he asks-

"-Why?"

She sighs and looks at him warily.

"Ichigo, I am not going to risk this any further," Rukia emphasizes slowly, "the media is a relentless, motherfucking chaser that I am sure you wouldn't want to fall victim to, especially with that orange hair of yours that everyone seems to have particular attention to."

Ichigo doesn't react as she expects and instead looks at her seriously.

"That's no excuse," he says quietly, watching her carefully, "Byakuya banned all of them from posting anything about you, questioning you, or nearing you at any moment."

She blinks once, then twice.

"_What_?" she asks incredulously.

"Haven't you noticed?" Ichigo asks, surprise in his tone; she just stares at him, "Your brother knows me, so I told him about your situation and he immediately put this into action."

She gapes at him, processing this info in her brain, and then everything makes sense, how gossip became less and less that she was nearly invisible in school, how no one follows her home or to the dojo, how she hasn't heard any of the usual clicks of the camera, how she doesn't hear a sound that indicates stalking, how strangely relaxed she'd been feeling for the past few weeks.

She collapses against the wall and slides down slowly. Rukia looks at Ichigo and finds him observing her reaction, and then her face contorts into anger and she is up and towering over his lying form.

"_You asked my brother to do this_?" she says lowly with real anger, "He is a very busy man, Ichigo. He doesn't need extra work to bother himself with when he's already full of his own work! You made him delay his work even further than he had to and that is just-"

"I helped him with his work," he cuts in amusedly, then adds, "even though he _was_ very stubborn" -he smirks- "just like you."

"But-"

"He wanted to do this."

Rukia stiffens immediately and shakes her head.

"You're lying," she says quietly, "There's no way my brother, who hasn't talked to me, who hasn't looked at me once, did this willingly."

Ichigo looks at her.

"You're right, he wouldn't do such things if I hadn't insulted him and told him what an ass he was as a brother and how unworthy he is for you" -he ignores the glare- "because a brother should be protecting his younger siblings" -he narrows his eyes further- "not ditching his only younger sister to the paparazzi."

"How dare you insult my brother," she snarls, "he has been through so much in his life that you wouldn't be able to imagine, so don't even insinuate that you know my brother."

"Is that any excuse to ignore you?"

She tenses, then folds her arm across her chest and stares at the floor.

"He has a good reason," she says absently, "a very good one."

Rukia refuses to meet his gaze and stubbornly looks down. She hears him get up and walk over to her.

"Rukia," he implores, leading her to look at him after composing her face, "I don't know what your problem is with him, and I don't know the history between you two, but there's one thing for sure-

-he does care about you in his own way."

"No, he doesn't, he can't," she shakes her head insistently, "he can't."

"Then how do you explain what he's done for you?"

"You just said it yourself- you insulted him for doing such things, which convinced him to do this for me."

"Exactly," Ichigo affirms, "so don't you think it's strange that this man, who you're convinced hates your existence, listens to someone insult him for being a terrible brother and then decides to take action in order to alleviate your life?"

Rukia quiets, a dim glow in her eyes in realization; he pursues onward.

"If he really didn't care about you, he wouldn't have listened to me in the first place, especially since I've insulted his pride, and then help you by doing this."

She remains silent; he stands up, having done what needed to be said and grabs his bag. Rukia catches the bag thrown to her without looking.

"And?" he inquires expectantly.

She looks up at him, startled, "What?"

"Can I visit your place?"

Rukia is silent for about ten minutes before she nods.

"Ok."


	8. take a step in

She doesn't believe it, she _refuses_ to believe it, but it bothers her, because it's the first time they walk out of school together, along with that bright, orange hair and that she, herself, is a Kuchiki, and yet, the gossip, the _stares_ are sparse. It's then that it _really_ hits her that her brother really had done it, had put her off the paparazzi's radar, and that-

-that gives her a strange feeling.

The entire time she'd said absolutely nothing, she'd _still_ say nothing to her brother, yet the moment Ichigo did -she sneaks a glance at him- the moment he did, things fall into place. A warm feeling of content spreads through her, and even though she's still mortified and a little angry, she can't stop the glass cage break slightly, the feelings of comfort seep through her that she can't help but revel in it.

They turn a corner and she asks him-

"Ichigo, how do you know my brother?"

"Kenpachi and Byakuya were long-time enemies," he yawns behind a hand; Rukia gives him a sharp glance, he ignores it and continues, "Byakuya owned the school so he usually checked around the school. He always came by the dojo and chided Kenpachi for not teaching kendo properly; Kenpachi would retort that it wasn't manly to learn techniques of such weak stuff- fighting would man them up.

"They'd raise the tension so high that many of the men found it unbearable and scurried off. I stayed around to _try_ to prevent damage. But then they'd be at it for two hours, causing damage all over the place which _I'd_ have to fix up- Hanataro did the cleaning" -he adds when Rukia raises her eyebrow- "so I pushed them apart-"

"-more like whacked them away from each other," Rukia mutters quietly, then smiles brightly at his shocked and soon annoyed face, "please, continue."

"Yes, Miss-Know-It-All," he says sarcastically; she slaps his arm lightly, "I swung them away from each other, which made the both of them pissed off and I ended up getting hit" -she laughs at the picture of a beat-up Ichigo; he scowls but gives into laughter as well, then clears his throat and continues- "Byakuya wouldn't really bother me as much except that he'd always come back to the dojo during a visit to stir up chaos." He chuckles then it stops and let the memories rush through his mind.

"It was troublesome."

She smiles knowingly, "It must've been."

Ichigo looks up.

"Yeah."

* * *

Ichigo observes the nearing building that he expects is where she lives, it's a pearly white that matches herself and all its richness as expected of a Kuchiki, especially for a sister of Byakuya. He didn't think Byakuya would allow her to live anywhere else but the best places that she should have, whether it be the Kuchiki pride or because she's his sister- he thinks it's both.

She passes it.

He stops and looks back at the building, then back at her again. Rukia turns and gives him a smirk, still walking forward.

"Are you going to stand around like a fool?"

Ichigo snaps out of his reverie and easily falls back at her side again, matching her stride, and then he actually looks ahead of him and notices a dark building ahead, not rich, not plain, certainly not below her, but it looks simply suspicious.

"Relax Ichigo," Rukia says with amusement, "the place isn't going to bite you."

"But...it's so..."

"Black and eerie?" Rukia says with a bored tone, "most people naturally hate the dark; for them, it represents the night, the fear, something no one wants to be in; light is what people generally prefer because it's bright, it's happy" -then she pauses and looks at him with a tilt of her head- "what do you think of the dark?"

He averts his eyes from her peering ones.

"Something not to be messed with."

They don't say much afterwards and instead, they enter the building silently, and Ichigo notices some shades of red, maybe white, but black-

-too much of it.

He hangs onto his conscience and is consumed by his thoughts that he doesn't notice that Rukia is patiently waiting for him to enter her room. When he's brought back consciously, Ichigo feels as if this is the first time he's facing reality with open eyes, no dodging, no hiding; his heart begins to beat faster, he doesn't know if it's out of fear or something else or maybe it's just both and everything and-

"Ichigo," she interrupts his frantic thoughts with a soft voice; he looks at her and is momentarily frozen to the spot by the sadness tinged in her eyes- the same one he'd seen she make on the roof, except that this time it was directed _at him_, "I'm not forcing you to come in. You have every right to leave-"

He boldly steps right into the room and turns back only to see her stiff form and the disbelief written across her face.

"Come on," Ichigo gruffly says, reaching out his hand.

She takes it and eases him into her world.

* * *

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hopelessromantic: Thanks for liking my portrayal of their relationship! :D

appleschan: glad you like my style! :D

a/n: school got in the way so i delayed this chapter; at first I hated how school got in the way of making more time for my fanfic but making more time to edit a little more wasn't bad either so yay :D thanks for the reviews (and follows and favorites) y'all!

btw saying "kendo room" half the time is freaking bothering me; u guys have any idea what else to call it?


	9. try try again but this time with saving

Rukia leans over the couch and watches him with a pleased grin.

He's _finally_ sleeping.

They'd come into her room, done their homework, then she'd proceeded to push him outside (stop working you workalholic!) and take a short run; when the hour was over, she'd showered then tossed him some clothes for him to wear. Ichigo had given her a strange look that she'd simply said had been her brother's if he ever came over to visit; he'd laughed and commented that if it really had been Byakuya's clothes then she wouldn't have let him borrow it in the first place, but he took it anyways and showered as well. He came out fresh but tired; he'd been greeted with Rukia's cooking and proceeded to eat on her couch. Ichigo tried reading his book afterwards but instead collapsed into slumber.

So now he's on her couch, sleeping.

Rukia observes the weariness under his eyes where the dark circles are fading but still evident. He looks relaxed and comfortable unlike earlier when he'd been drowsy, more sleepy. She smiles at his obvious comfort and decides it was a good thing that he'd decided to come over today-

-although it truly was, and is, still nerve-wracking.

Then Rukia looks down at the clothes she'd given him to wear and stares. She'd been hesitant to give her such but she'd feel even worse if she'd left Ichigo in sweaty clothes, _and_ that would stink up her private place, and-

-him, he'd have wanted her to do this.

She looks at the clock and notices that it's seven, opens the curtains and the dark sky is forming; she bites her lip and looks down at Ichigo, paces around the room, and finally walks down the hall quietly and pulls a key out from her pocket and unlocks the door; she pauses again, looks down the hall and sees his still lying form. Comforted, she opens the door and takes a step into the room and closes the door behind her.

Rukia breathes in deeply and releases it, then she's on the edge of her tucked-in bed and looks against the wall, her eyes move to the corner and stops; she rigidly glues her feet there, forcing herself to breathe, steady, steady, steady, steady; she counts to five minutes as slow as she can, then rises and stares at it for a few more moments, then walks out of the room swiftly, shuts the door, and thrusts the key into the lock and locks it quickly.

"Rukia?"

She pivots and swings her fist with the key to the stomach but is stopped when another hand encloses it in place.

Silence.

A century seems to pass before she looks up. In the dark, Ichigo somehow sees the dark edges in her eyes combat with the light in them; in the dark, Rukia can clearly see his expression of fear but mostly concern, and then she spits out between her teeth,

"Step. away."

Ichigo's fear instantly disappears and his feet is glued to the floor; he watches her with determined eyes, a hand still locked between them, and instead of the unnerving feeling she expects from being watched so intently, she feels the tension slowly dissipate from her body, she closes her eyes, and feels the blood slow, then a tug towards him and she hears him say-

"It's ok."

Her heart beat slows down in her ears; she loosens the grip on the key, and opens her eyes.

Her eyes return to normal again.

He puts an arm around her shoulders and let's her lean against him.

* * *

Reply to Reviews

yuiyuki: Yay :D Aww, that's great to know! xD Yep! I'm doing my best! OMG, thank you for reminding me, I seriously forgot that word existed. At all. Agh, that's right, it's called dojo; now I'm going to go fix my old chapters to replace all those awkward "kendo room" with dojo. Well, hopefully you liked this chapter! :D

Guest: OOOKKKKKAAAYYYYY, but seriously, it was your review that got me to continue my draft, albeit short this chapter is. Usually I'm bothered by these kind of reviews but I'd admittedly lagged behind, so thank you :D

MizaroMotu: So true xD What's strange to me was that I'd already typed it out on my phone, but then somehow this stuff came out when I tried editing it on my computer...so yep, my brain changes on different devices.

a/n: Sorry if you got those annoying updated previous chapters when it was just me replacing "kendo room" with "dojo" xD hopefully this actual new chapter makes up for it; and _ugh_, that entire paragraph with past tense, so hard to transition back to ._.


	10. can't shut out fast enough

_Idiot_, he first mutters when she steps away in which he'd presumed meant she was under control, until he notices the blood flow from her hand slightly from clenching her hand too tightly, despite that she tries to hide it behind her back, _idiot._

And then he's tugging her arm to the couch and grabbing her shoulders, shaking her, _demanding_ her for the damn medical kit to which she points with her other hand; he races down the hall to the bathroom and pulls out the medical kit, then he's instantly back and snaps it open; when he takes out a bottle and uncaps it, he pauses as he stares down at the bottle, before taking her palm and carefully placing what's left of the medicine on. And during that entire time-

-they say nothing.

Despite his smooth, precise movements while he's treating the cuts in her hands, despite his strained efforts to keep himself calm, he knows she knows that the tension is rolling off in waves, and then he finishes tying the gauze and looks at her. She sees his eyebrows draw into themselves, his mouth spread into a taut, straight line, his tense stature, the rigid muscles in his cheekbones-

-and his _eyes._

The burning ferocity that is burning so bright for her _almost_ has her turn away, but instead she stares right back, and then he's finally seeing her, who's went through too much but wouldn't ask for anything else, who's tired of it all and wants to let go, but doesn't out of pride, who's weak, yet still refuses to step down; always, _always_ fighting.

He finally understands why she lives in the darkness.

Her bandaged hand squeezes his hands.

Ichigo holds her hand tightly.

* * *

She wakes up.

Rukia smells the waves of breakfast, then looks down at her hand- it's bandaged, she thinks, yesterday really happened, it really happened. And then she's dizzy with emotions that stun her and keep her on the bed, and then she smells the food again, stronger still.

_Ichigo_

She jumps out of bed and races down the hall again and into the kitchen with bed hair and all. He's standing there with the same clothes she'd given him the other night and then she snaps out of her reverie when he turns to notice her immovable form at the side of the door.

"Hey Rukia," he greets her with a grin (that doesn't quite fit him, she thinks), "I made some breakfast."

"...Ok," she replies, and numbly walks back to the bathroom and quietly shuts the door. She slides down from it and all her mind can think is-

-_what do I do now?_

And then the train of panicked thoughts take over and she can't stop it, she- she grits her teeth and forces herself up, grabs the sink and glares at herself in the mirror for five minutes, then proceeds to brush her teeth, take a quick shower, and put on some fresh but comfortable clothes.

When she's done she walks back down the hall, sits down on the chair, and quietly eats, then unable to stand the intense stare she receives she puts back down the silver chopsticks and finally looks back up at him with a stern look, "Ichigo, I'm _fine_," she emphasizes while flexing her hand.

"This happens often," he says in a matter-of-fact tone after observing how she hasn't flinched once from the pain, how she holds the chopsticks with practiced moves away from the targeted pain as if this happened before.

"Maybe, maybe not," Rukia replies curtly while still eating, and then her hand stops moving and she's looking up at him with warning in her eyes.

"Primarily from a doctor's point of view," Ichigo starts slowly, his hand still holding hers still, "this will make it take longer to heal; now from _my_" -he points to himself with his other hand- "point of view, you're being an idiot."

Rukia flicks his hand away with a dry look and returns back to her food, "Well _Doctor_ _Kurosaki_" -he twitches at the implication- "it will heal either way -specifically in a week- so there is absolutely no need to worry."

Then both are heatedly glowering at each other; Ichigo is the first to spit out,

"I. am. moving. in."

She stiffens and stares at him incredulously, "What?", and then the words hit her and she's up in her seat, "For the last time Ichigo, I'm-"

"Byakuya," he intercepts quietly, "he doesn't know this happens, does he."

Rukia holds her heated glare pointedly at him, and he swears the fumes are coming out of her ears and that she's trying to eat him alive with her eyes.

"You wouldn't _dare_-"

"I would," he says firmly, hands enclosed under his chin tightly, "I _will_ if I have to."

She assesses the cons and pros in her head quickly; three minutes later she lifts her hands off the table and she settles back into her chair, legs crossed, tea cup in hand, and smiles prettily.

"Fine."

Ichigo uneasily smiles back, "Well then-"

"You can move in," she continues in a harpy tone and crosses her arms and leans forward, "_next door_."

"What-"

"There's a door that connects from this room to that room, so if your ever-so-annoying protection crap is needed, you can step right across the door, of course only with _my_" -she flashes him a sickly smile- "permission, not yours, _mine_."

She looks over her teacup with sharp, impatient eyes that says, "_That should be enough_."

Ten minutes later, they're still having a heated battle of the eyes, and finally he shuts his eyes and sits back down.

"Fine," he relents, then looks at her straight in the eye, "but I can't guarantee I'll stay away with or without your permission if something like that happens again."

Rukia nods in acceptance, because she knows the feeling of wanting to protect, the _need_ to protect, better than most, much more than he'd ever realize, and she hopes that however small chance the door will protect him from her, however much she's doing her best to keep his persistent ass shut off, it'll be enough.

How naive the thought was.

* * *

a/n: i finally wrote it. enjoy!

Reply to Reviews

yuiyuki: You're already awesome for reviewing, so being of help is five times awesome-er xD Thanks! I'm curious as well because I totally know where this story is going xD I'll definitely continue, don't worry about that :D

Guest: You didn't mess me up xD...or maybe you did (ehehe), but it was just 'cause I didn't want to look over it again and was doing the last touches to the last chapter, so I'm grateful you pointed it out so I could quickly fix that; thank you! I appreciate your enthusiasm for updates for this fanfic :)


	11. bravery, cowardly

It's after they finish their breakfast and their routine fights in Rukia's personal dojo that Ichigo asks if he can see the room first. She nods and they go out the door to the other, he stills and wonders: if the entire condo is the Kuchiki's, why would they let her stay _here_? The Kuchiki wouldn't allow anyone with their name to stay in a place like this, even if it _is_ fancy, as it doesn't match their elegant- he pauses, only _Byakuya_ of all people must've helped her settle here without telling anyone else.

It's then he instinctively feels that Byakuya must be more than protecting her, it's something more, and although he can guess a variety of factors, all of them seem like part reasons and part excuses and not the core one of it all.

"Ichigo," she calls him back-to-earth, and she finds him finally looking at her with slight curiosity and slight frustration. Despite knowing what it is, she ignores it and focuses on the task at hand. "Open the door fool. We can't just stand here all day."

Then he's in his room and the first thing he notices-

-the entire room isn't black, just white.

"My room, I did it myself," Rukia explains, noting his confusion, "nothing here has been touched; do what you want with it."

"The entire condo is black though..." he says slowly, his mind still processing this info.

"Come on now Ichigo," she says exasperatedly, cursing his old brain, "Byakuya bought this place, because black is the opposite of Kuchiki colors; it also tends to make people stay away from it" -she pauses in thought- "unless you're not sane" -at this she looks pointedly at Ichigo; he only smirks- "even so, you still want to move in."

He looks around the room and realizes why Byakuya provided her the room. He imagines it had been white for her as well, a place where she could make it however she wanted for herself on her own terms and pace, a part of the healing process.

He can do the same, he thinks, a smile slowly creeping up.

"Yeah."

* * *

For the next three days, they go about their routine days with some talk of him moving in, the rent, and all those business negotiations that Rukia leads him through smoothly, despite his lack of experience. Obviously she's learned the ropes of the Kuchiki business very well; he mentions it, she stares at him, then smiles (_thank you)_. Ichigo turns silent; she hardly receives common gratitude, not in the Kuchiki.

(he doesn't realize he's seething openly until Rukia places a hand on his fist, he relaxes.)

A day later and Ichigo suddenly says that his family is anxious about him leaving despite not saying anything about it; he promises that he hasn't and never will tell them where he's living- where _she's_ living and-

"I'll go meet your family," she intercedes smoothly while changing in the dojo's closet, the sound echoing throughout the silent room and then she opens the door and he's gawking at her; she smirks, he shuts his mouth immediately. "just so you know, it's not for you."

The edge of his lip curls up, and then he says she isn't cute to which she replies with a smack from her shinai that sends him toppling over.

* * *

The weekend arrives and she's standing in front of his house, it's plain and simple, and she thinks it's quite nice, certainly _normal_, and then a spectrum is flying straight at her and she's pulled out of the way; the strange thing lands on the cement and springs right back up, she squints her eyes, is the man _pouting_?

"Ichigooooo!" he rolls around the cement in fake pain, "how could you treat your father like this?! Did I teach you nothing about proper man-"

"Shut up!" Ichigo stomps on his father's face, "you're the one who was about to send Rukia flying into space! And this isn't how you normally greet people you insane old man!" Then they proceed to wrestle and then Ichigo is the first to stop; he gets up, his ears hardly believing that he's hearing a full-out laughter from _her_.

"S-sorry, it's too funny," Rukia covers her mouth with her hand, trying to smother it down; then Ichigo is there, holding her arm away from her mouth and the laughter dies in her throat, both stare at each other, one warm and the other a little confused.

Then Isshin springs up from the ground as if nothing happened and shakes her hand while she's still recovering from the fact that this man is Ichigo's, the scowling, abrasive, nonsensical, idiot -well that is what both of them have she admits- is related to this happy, over-excited man, and then she really looks at him and her heart stops beating.

_Isshin?_

The hand he's holding begins sweating, a shackle on her hand that puts her in place, her eyes are wide, and she knows they're watching and that Ichigo is calling her name and shaking her shoulders, but the handcuff, the binds, _everything_ is still there and she can't move, can't breathe, can't do anything, she can't, she can't, she _can't-_

-she runs.


	12. looking at the fog

Ichigo remembers every single detail of that night: calm eyes, tight grip, dripping blood that slowly ran down her arm and dropped to the floor (which he cleaned up afterwards), the conscious returning to her eyes, her stiff form that relaxed into him, and the soft expression she makes when she sleeps and let's her guard down completely for once. No matter how much the aftermath soothed him at the time, Ichigo _can't_ get Rukia's calm eyes during the kill out of his head, and he thought that that was the fastest heartbeats he'd ever produced, but now, _now_-

-it's beyond that.

She was happy, _laughing_, and in the next second her smile and laughter turn into wide eyes full of pure fear that looks at nothing but his idiot father who's simultaneously stirring up all the emotions onto the surface and tearing off all the walls she'd built, and no matter what he says or does, she's _still_ not looking at him, and _that_ scares the shit out of him, so when she runs off-

-he chases after her, instinctively.

* * *

Rukia is running, focusing only on escaping from the now that's plaguing her conscience (and everything is rushing through her mind in a blur; the blood, the sword, the ice, the dead eyes, the faces, the yells, the cold, _everything_).

She remembers then, how despite she'd wondered why Byakuya had kicked her out of the house (polite and cold as usual), she'd agreed without protest. It was a suitable punishment without question. But the ugly glee that came from a chance to escape overrided everything else then. But now isn't the case: she meets Ichigo's father and everything is back, _everything is back_-

-Isshin is here, Isshin _Shiba_ is here.

The panic climbs higher and higher at the admittance that her feet end up spinning down the hill, but then she's pulled backwards and stopped by an obstacle that will not leave, _will not let her get away_. At first, she's overwhelmed by hatred and thinks for a moment: these unwanted emotions was partly and selfishly why she'd refused for so long to say absolutely nothing to anyone, but then _Ichigo_ comes along. She's stoic enough at first to keep him at a distance, but _now_, now it's completely bizarre- he's too, too close, so she narrows her eyes and looks up, mouth open ready to spat out so much _hurt_ (that'd later hurt her too but she could deal with that, if it meant protecting him from the fact)-

-she stops, and freezes.

* * *

He heaves as he tries to catch up, not knowing that she runs away _this_ quickly out of fear of what's behind her, afraid of _something_, but before he can process all his thoughts together, he grabs her arm and cages her with his limbs and body from running further away from the wall. He steadily forces himself to look into her wide-eyed expression that shows she's _still_ not here.

Ichigo holds her by the shoulders and stares into her eyes without saying a word and still, she fears, itching to get away from it all, but then she's forced to look into his eyes, and sees this: worry, pain, helplessness. She pulls all the pieces she let fall apart return back into place. Her dark violet color instantly takes over again, but with a new strength in them.

It reminds him of the first day she made him sleep despite how he'd been unable to, how she pulled him back onto the right axis when he'd felt empty, how similar the determination in her eyes are. But this one is something more, and he knows then she's reached something, but doesn't let go just yet.

* * *

Rukia stares back at him and calms when she realizes what she set off in Ichigo's mind; the intensity of his emotions fade away with only a little left, still waiting and not letting her go yet. The more he waits, the more she can't pull back something that's pushing its way to the forefront of her mind-

-half the battle is won (the rest stores itself away):

(Five years ago)

"Kuchiki," he calls out; silence, "KUCHIKI, don't ignore your seniors!"

"W-what? I mean yes sir," she scrambles for words as she's groggily forcing herself awake during the middle of the night, "Is something wrong?"

"D'you remember that boy I talked about a few weeks ago?" Rukia groans internally, knowing she was going to hear the same joyful talk about his supposedly favorite nephew in the entire universe.

"_Of course_, you talked about him just yesterday," she replies with exasperation, then frowns, "are you telling me I'm that young? He's the same age as me."

"I'll forever view you guys as kids," he chuckles, and she joins in as well because it's what he does, draw people in to his pace, "ever since he's lost his mother, he hardly smiles, and that's freakin' unhealthy for his age; sometimes I think he takes life a little too hard, just like you," -he complains with a dramatic gesture of his hands- "always so serious! You guys need to enjoy life, even if it's just a little!

"I apologize, sir, but I am sincerely fine with where I am now; honestly though," she says respectfully, "with you around, it's hard to imagine a quiet, frowning boy that rarely smiles, so I imagine you cheer him up with your natural egoistic self, so I believe he's in good hands, don't you think?"

"Of _course_ he is," he agrees, "I am an awesome person to look up to y'know! I take care of your ass when you wouldn't tell me what's wrong and barge straight into business that _you should've told me years ago_" -she's about to protest (it was only one year!) but he ignores that and continues- "and I take care of that kid just so he can smile- you know what, when we go back, I'm introducing you to that kid so that you guys can make each other happy, and maybe then I can finally live a life of comfort without brats."

She laughs, because she knows exactly that that kind of life isn't what he wants and imagining it is ridiculous; "Fine, I'll go back with you to see him since you _always_ talk about him, must be special."

"Of course I do! He's my freakin' baby nephew! Heck his name is cute too, like strawberries!"

She snaps, "For god's sake, he's fourteen already, _fourteen! _I'm the same age as well, which means you're calling me a baby _sir_!"

The banter goes on.

(Rukia never got to see him.)

She snaps out of her reverie and let's it sink in.

"Ichigo Shiba," she slips the words out; Ichigo springs backwards as if burned from flames. Rukia, still in awe, walks over to him and grabs his face with both hands, and remembers memories of when he showed her photos of his nephew and gushed about it as if it were _his_ son. She ties in the connections between the photos and him and finally releases him, suddenly tired. She understood.

_She'd_ _known the entire time_.

But out of selfishness, she crushed it so no memory could resurface; thus blinding herself to the obvious fact that _he_ was Ichigo Shiba.

"How?" his voice shakes her back to reality, "How the hell" -he shakes his head in disbelief and tries again- "how the _fuck_ do you know that name?"

She leans against the wall, "The Kuchiki and the Shiba have known each other for so long due to high status; I met your family before due to meetings and formal parties, but then your dad left the entire Shiba clan, and the rest of it disintegrated" -she pauses and looks down hiding her face, then looks at him again, normally- "and since then, we haven't heard from your family" -she stares at him in disbelief- "but now...I know."

The silence settles in, giving the both of them more time to think and let the situation firmly embed in their minds. Then she walks over to him and puts a hand out in front of him, and he realizes then he's still flat out sitting on the cement.

He looks up at her, and thinks that despite that she's holding things from him, the trust is still on her face, showing no judgment despite _knowing_ that he is, in fact, a Shiba, and decides to leave the questions alone.

He takes her hand.

* * *

a/n: feeling dead tired =_=" if u guys know who the guy is pm me 'cause I'm curious to know what your thoughts are (no, i won't be confirming anything but do it anyway)! xD

thanks to you guys: hopelessromantic, yuiyuki, Vivienne IForgot My Name, and eannseachel for reviewing the previous two chapters! :D It means a lot to me and especially got me to keep writing the past few days.

and for the rest of you silent readers, favoriters, and followers, thank you as well :D

Reply to Reviews

hopelessromantic: well, now you kinda know! :D hopefully xD i'm pretty sure I put out enough hints out there.

yuiyuki: it might get interesting (hehehe :3) i think this chapter kind of hints towards why now for you, hopefully xD awww you thought that was cute? :D yay!


	13. dive 'til you hit a wall, then punch it

a/n: longest chapter yet xD take breaks if ya need to

fyi: karin and yuzu here are middle-school-age students like in the current manga

* * *

Isshin waits patiently, expectantly, and wonders how this girl managed to make his son look like _that_, a face so alive and human. The moment he sees them, he knows he's doing the right thing by letting Ichigo go. Now he just needs-

-he sees her.

She comes close and holds out a hand first, something he didn't think she'd be capable of after so _long_, he looks into her eyes and finds what he was looking for. He grins, and shakes her hand.

"Nice to see you again, Rukia."

"Yes," she says firmly, "it's been a long time. I apolo-"

"Rukiaaaaa," he squeals and pulls her into a comically tight hug, "it's been so long! You should've seen me sooner daughter-in-law!"

She pushes him off and sputters, "What? I'm certainly not your daughter-in-law."

Isshin blinks, "You guys _are_ going to get marri-"

He spins off into thin air before Ichigo can even try to get close and kick his dad's face in; Ichigo watches her slightly heaving and red face and grins-

-he didn't have to worry anymore.

* * *

Exactly an hour later, after festering over old arguments and cooing over pictures of a younger version of Ichigo ("what _happened_?" Rukia asks innocently as she looks over to a scowling Ichigo; he glares back, and Isshin punches him in the face- "Have you no manners?), Yuzu immediately suggests that she should stay for dinner, and after much insistence she does (because who could possibly resist those doe eyes?). Karin acknowledges her with a nod, since she kicked her dad's idiocy without panicking and fainting like many others.

And so they're eating pleasantly, Ichigo looks up and finds himself satisfied with the genuinely happy grin on her face as she converses with the sisters; a few minutes later, he almost chokes on his water.

"_You like Chappy?_"

"Yes," she blinks in surprise, "I'm not surprised someone of your caliber couldn't understand such things."

"Of course I don't!" he exclaims, "that stuff is for two-year-olds!"

"Ichigo," Isshin starts off sternly, which immediately catches Ichigo's attention, "you mustn't be like that. Women and men both need their weirdness, or otherwise their grandchildren just wouldn't be interesting, especially during pregnancy-"

And then Ichigo is up and about to fight again, but then his stomach feels like it's been hit by a million bokkens and he lands back down on his chair with a thud; he looks over and finds Rukia smirking at him; she mouths 'revenge' and resumes eating.

Needless to say, Ichigo is seething; Isshin is gloating and saying how lucky he is to have Rukia as his daughter-in-law (to which he gets a punch from both concerning sides); Karin is laughing (anyone who can stop the idiots from fighting is a big plus in her book); Yuzu is concerned (but secretly giggling on the inside because she'd wanted to do that after Ichigo didn't praise her in her brand new uniform and instead remarked that her side-zipper was off).

* * *

Rukia insists on helping Yuzu wash the dishes and gets her way easily; Yuzu raises an eyebrow at why Karin would want to help since she isn't on cleaning duty but doesn't say anything, so the end result is this: Rukia washes them; Yuzu dries them; Karin files them away into a cabinet.

"Are you here to take Ichigo away?" Karin asks suddenly. Rukia stops and stares at the plate in hand. Yuzu scolds her for being so rude to a guest, but Rukia appeases her and she answers-

"No, he decided it himself; I only made him separate our rooms. After all, I can't let him get everything he wants or his ego will inflate more than it needs to be." They laugh at this. "I promise you he'll visit you every week- I'll drag his ass over if he doesn't."

All of them laugh at the ridiculous yet probable image of such and resume their duties. Then-

"I haven't seen Ichigo this alive since you've come around," Karin remarks; Yuzu affirms with a "mmhm!", "so I'm really glad that he's doing something for himself for once."

"I'm really, really happy too!" Yuzu exclaims, "I mean, it's so rare to see our nii-san be himself, much less smiling, and..." She trails off and the corners of her mouth turn down; she quickly looks down; Karin does the same.

"I'm not here to take your brother away," Rukia says quietly; both turn to look at her. "He'll always be your brother no matter where he goes, and it's the same with you two- that is the bond a family has."

"I know," Yuzu says frustratedly, "I know, but even so...I just..."

"She's worried," Karin answers in her place flatly, "she can't help it- it's a mother complex."

"I am not!" Yuzu protests angrily, recalling Ichigo who had announced out of nowhere that he was leaving, leaving her so stunned by the news that her selfish sisterly/motherly side nearly cried out; but her selflessness saved her from saying something detrimental, so she'd managed to smile. But now the pain is clear after Karin's ruthless but truthful words. "You're the one worried about him all the time you-"

"Yuzu." She looks down at the hand on her arm and looks up to see Rukia's certainty written on her face. "He won't die early."

"But-"

"Trust me on this," she takes their hands and grips them tightly, "I won't let him die, not under my watch." She hardens her resolve in her eyes.

"I promise you."

"...thanks," Karin says quietly. Rukia brings them to a hug and they break down, quietly. Yuzu muffles her cries and tightens her grip on Rukia's sleeve. "I just can't stand losing someone again."

"I know," Rukia says quietly and finds her own eyes glistening with tears.

She doesn't let them spill.

* * *

Night comes quickly and the entire Kurosaki family (except Ichigo of course) is infatuated with her that they persuade her into staying the night with them. Isshin tries to get her to sleep with Ichigo (_I need grandbabies!_), but fails to with a kick sent to his face. Karin and Yuzu let her sleep in their room, and Rukia borrows Yuzu's pajamas because it fits (and it has rabbits over them, Ichigo points out; she glares).

.

..

..

...

...

Rukia opens her eyes and intakes gulps of air. She faintly notes Karin and Yuzu who are sleeping around her, and quietly eases herself away into the kitchen without making a sound. Remembering Yuzu's movements, she imitates them and takes out a water bottle and drinks it herself.

A cup goes down on the table; she swivels her head to find Isshin watching her at the couch. He gestures to the seat in front of him; she sits.

"Nightmares," Isshin doesn't ask but she affirms with a nod anyway, "Ichigo has them too sometimes, but somehow it got less a few weeks ago. How is it that you're able to avoid dark circles under your eyes?" She sips her water without looking at him, and puts it down.

"I'm sorry," she starts, "my actions earlier are of no excuse."

There's a long pause, and then-

"That isn't what you want to apologize for is it?"

"No," she says after a moment and looks up at him, "but no matter what I say I can't bring him back, apologizing won't bring him back, and no matter how many times I say the same words like four years ago, I can't do it now, because it just isn't enough."

"I know," he puts down his cup, "but I want you to understand something." He carefully looks into her eyes to make sure she's paying attention.

"I never blamed you."

Rukia stares at him disbelievingly. "He chose to take that path, because you were like close siblings, and I respect that. Rather, it was my fault." He puts a hand up to stop her torrent of arguments; she quiets. "I could've saved him, but I didn't because I blindly believed he could handle it, I really did, and I let him die."

Rukia says nothing, then, "I understand. I'm sorry that your son got caught up in my mess, but this time around" -she focuses her eyes to face his- "I can promise you your son won't die, not on my watch."

"You mean to do that you won't let him in," Isshin corrects; she looks away. "It won't work."

And she knows it; she remembers back when the Shiba clan wanted to butt into her situation, and that it was only until he was in it that the rest dissipated because they were so fucking confident in him, and so was she.

"My stubbornness will keep him away from the foreseeable future for a while, and when the time's right," she pauses, "what he does is his choice and I won't interfere with that, but I still won't let him die."

"I know," he assures her, "I know you won't. I'm confident that he'll be more than fine under your watch, but I doubt that idiot son of mine could die anyways 'cause he's _my_ son."

Rukia laughs at the obvious lie and comical intent, and doesn't bother to comment that she thought the same way once before, and that got him dead.

"You still don't understand do you," She chuckles; he raises an eyebrow. "The one whose been doing the saving is him, not me."

Isshin shakes his head, "Both of you have been a wreck. Ichigo still lives, but emptily, as for _you_" -she averts her eyes- "you refuse to be taken care of, not only that- _no one is with you_ in that reality. I know your strength but with Ichigo I'll be more at ease, _he'll_" -she flinches slightly- "be more at ease; but with Ichigo, as you've seen" -she snorts (_seeing my ass._)- "he's persistent in that area, so him moving in with you will be good for the both of you."

"Kurosaki-san," she puts down her bottle, "it's not that I'm forced in that reality; I choose to live in that reality and I will, for the rest of my life-"

"Don't face it alone," Isshin interrupts, "don't do that, no matter what."

"No matter how many lives I have to take?" she says bitterly and he's silent for a moment.

"I'm taking a gamble, albeit a dangerous one" -he adds quickly after Rukia eyes him with disgust- "I believe that Ichigo is taking a step in the right direction, because you put away the dead look in his eyes he had constantly before you came. Clearly, the more he interacts with you, the more happier he'll be. It's what I want." His face looks far away.

"It's what Masaki wants."

Rukia stares at the wall behind him; it's these times that she wants sake, but she knows everything would roll downhill from there, so instead she gulps down the water 'til it's empty and crushes it.

"Maybe," she admits reluctantly because she won't let her worries interfere with his will completely but she still fears for his life. Both let the subject go.

Then the idea she tried to push away earlier during her escapade slowly settles in and a part of her is still denying it, because to her it's impossible, but after Ichigo she's beginning to realize that maybe, just maybe, it's not.

"Isshin?"

"Yes?"

"How did you know I was here?" -no answer- "Did my brother tell you that I was returning to Karakura town?" She enunciates each word carefully and slowly, her heart pounding at the top of her throat.

Isshin smiles and her heart flies in hope, "Perceptive as usual- he did."

His answer washes over her, and she looks down, a hand over her mouth with the other tightening on her knee with eyes shut tightly.

She finally understands why her brother sent her out here.

On one hand, she's happy that it isn't due to disappointment with the lack of Kuchiki within her; but on the other hand, she's mortified because he wants her to face her fears; but more than that, more than _anything_-

-_he believes in her despite everything_.

Rukia tightens the water bottle in her hand and swears-

-she won't let her brother down, not this time.

Rukia looks back up with determination and Isshin sees it again, a flaring determination in her eyes that pulls him into the fire; he thinks this flame is what draws Ichigo in and what he's trying to protect.

"Thank you."

* * *

a/n: if you read from top to beginning, thank you very much! :D

Reply to Reviews

yuiyuki: your welcome xD Thanks for giving me the slight insight of the fanfic :D oh lol, xD, don't worry I'm still figuring it out as well. YAY! I did a good cliffhanger? oh wow, thanks (I tend to just let it end where I feel like it xD)!

hopelessromantic: yep! more connections between them :]

vicjoen: thanks for letting me know what you're (kinda) thinking :D


	14. one step at a time

update2: this time I changed "ruki-nii" to "rukia-chan" 'cause ruki-nee just didn't sound right in my head even if that's the correct term; at any rate, thanks yuiyuki and PetalMedic for the help :D

* * *

Ichigo wakes up and finds himself on the floor with his blanket. He gets up and looks around, confused; he's awake before anything hits- oh, he realizes, his old man. Thinking of different drastic scenarios, he rushes down the stairs and stops- _he was still sleeping? on the couch?_ Then he looks to the side and finds Rukia on the other couch as well, lying back with crossed arms and legs.

"You can stop it now Ichigo." He stiffens and finds himself under one amused dark purple eye and smirk. She gets up. "Your father and I were talking about some things, and it got so late that we ended up falling asleep during the middle of it."

"Wha-" Rukia puts a finger on his lips and shakes her head, pointing to the still sleeping one on the couch. They quietly go to the kitchen and eat. Ichigo takes a look at her and notes that she's already dressed and ready-to-go.

"Why are you dressed up?" he asks curiously.

"I went to buy ingredients." Ichigo nearly argues that she's allowed to use Yuzu's ingredients since she's basically part of their family after yesterday, but then she looks at him and shakes her head slowly because everyone is still sleeping. He bites his lip and decides to save the argument for later.

"Then I cooked breakfast." She continues, gesturing to the food in front of them; she fills his bowl with rice and hands it to him. "Want one?"

"Thanks." He takes it and sits; both eat, one conservative and the other normally. Ichigo puts down his chopsticks and stares at the food in front of him, then tentatively, "Um, Rukia?"

"Hmm?" she asks, watching him with inquiring eyes; Ichigo keeps his stare down at the table.

"For yesterday...thanks for consoling them," he runs his hand through his hair, "I'm just not good at that stuff."

"Idiot," she chides, "you would've done so if you'd noticed regardless. I just happened to be there at the right time and place."

It's silence again, then-

"I didn't know." He says quietly, pain etched in the tone as he replays his sisters breaking down that nearly tore his heart open. He hates that they felt obligated for him to put up a happy mask, because he knows it's painful, and it _hurts_. Ichigo grits his teeth as he thinks about how he'd been so blinded by his own thoughts that he hadn't consider the two. "I've failed them as a brother."

"You haven't," she states quietly, "you've been protecting them haven't you? That's how you perceive a brother should be and you've fulfilled that part. But now that you're faced with a part of your incompetence as a brother, you're going to sulk and despair despite having the ability to make up for your mistakes?"

Her commanding question forces him to look, and he senses palpable but smothered fury. "You changed yourself when you were very young to protect them officially, and you succeeded despite the odds. This matter can't possibly deter you from succeeding to be your ideal image of a brother, can it?"

The rhetorical question lingers in the air, then Ichigo is smirking.

"Of course not."

She returns one as well, then resumes eating.

"Besides," she adds, "they've matured well enough to see you off; it's not as if they're weak. It's just that yesterday they were running high with emotions, specifically about the brother that seems to always worry people." He protests; she laughs quietly, then wryly, "Thank goodness they didn't turn out like Isshin."

He laughs; she wipes her hands and drums her hand against the table.

"Now, I'm just waiting for a sign."

"A sign?" Ichigo asks incredulously.

"Yep," she says casually and moves away; in the next second, Ichigo is slammed into the counter with Isshin sprawling on top. They scramble into a routine wrestle match as she delicately eats her breakfast like the Kuchiki she is. After five minutes she whacks both of their heads as the sisters come to the kitchen.

"Good morning guys!" Yuzu exclaims cheerily then glances at her curiously, "where were you?"

"I woke up early and cooked some breakfast," Rukia explains, handing her a bowl of rice.

"But all of the stuff are still here." Yuzu frowns as she looks into the refrigerator. "Rukia-chan, you can use what we have; you're practically our family now."

Seeing the blatant hurt, Rukia gives her an apologetic smile and sheepishly says she will next time, and ignores Ichigo's face that gloats with satisfaction: _I told you_.

"But thank you Rukia-chan! The food is wonderful!" Yuzu hugs her joyfully, and it's a second later she returns the hug. Rukia wonders when the last time she'd ever received one just as her mind wanders off to the night when Ichigo caught her in her vulnerable moment- she immediately pushes the thought away.

Needless to say, they have a normal breakfast- normal, meaning that the two still fight while Rukia controls the two when it gets too far ("do these idiots never learn?" Karin asks incredulously; Rukia merely laughs). Ichigo finishes first and leaves for his room, and suddenly there's a scramble of feet rushing down the stairs and straight into the kitchen again.

"Why the hell are all my things packed up?" he asks, then adds, "Who?"

"I did," Isshin says, "You're moving out today."

"_Today?_" Ichigo sputters, "But why-"

"Ichigo," Isshin puts down his chopsticks and looks at him directly in the eye, "I want you out of here."

Yuzu gasps while Karin stands up to strangle her goddamn _idiot_ father, but Rukia puts a hand on her shoulder and soothes a trembling Yuzu. Rukia looks at Karin's outraged face with her own determination; she quiets.

"You've been mulling around even more ever since his death." Everyone but Isshin flinches. "We all feel the loss, but you've been at it for years no matter how much you try to pretend you don't feel that way. It's pathetic and _you know it._ The faster you're out of here, the faster you'll return to us as who you want to be.

"_Go_."

Ichigo straightens and looks at him straight in the eye. "Yeah, thanks Dad."

* * *

Yuzu gives him a tight hug while sniffling; Karin smirks and says he'd better treat Rukia right or face the fist of the entire family (Isshin seconded); he merely scoffs. Then they all gather around Rukia and she's glowing -he shakes his head at the cliche thought.

Then they're off.

Rukia remembers Isshin's words: "the faster you're out of here, the faster you'll return" and wonders just how detrimental it was to have a zombie around the lively family that unintentionally smothered them, and thinks that maybe it was the same with her and Byakuya.

"What are you cracking a smile for?"

She looks at him, "I'm just thinking that Isshin and Byakuya are very similar, and sneaky."

He snorts, "Maybe, but they're still completely different; Dad's more high and Byakuya is just...terse, all the freaking time. I don't get how he keeps that mask up all the time."

"It's a special gift from being raised by the Kuchiki," Rukia says dryly, "Around them, it's the only way to handle them, especially the elders."

"I remember," he cringes with disgust in remembrance, "I always hated those parties when they came. They dampened the mood all the time."

"As if," she says with disbelief, "you probably baffled them with your recklessness and bluntness and took advantage of that. In that aspect, you've hardly changed, except that you're less cuter than before."

"Shut up," he grumbles; she chuckles.

It's a quiet, compatible silence as they're walking towards her place, _his_ place he adds. She looks over to the small luggage he's carrying and let's the feeling sink in, that he really _is_ moving in with her. They reach the place, and every step they take feels as if it's the first time they've entered the doors and climbed up the stairs.

At the hallway, she inhales and looks at him, "Looks like we'll be...neighbors from now on."

"Yeah," he says blankly, then he notes the hand stretched out to him and looks back up at her, questioning.

"Kuchiki Rukia," she states solidly, "I trust you'll enjoy your stay."

He blinks, and then thoughts swirl as he debates on how he wants to address himself to her. She knows he's a 'Shiba', so it wouldn't _matter_, who he'd been for fourteen years, but then for three years, he'd been a 'Kurosaki', and no matter how dull he'd been, he couldn't toss it away when it held memories. Ichigo looks at her and thinks he won't hide either side from her, so-

-he shakes her hand firmly, "Shiba-Kurosaki Ichigo. I will, definitely."

She lingers and gives his hand a tight squeeze before leaving him to himself.

Ichigo stands there for a moment, before opening the door with the same hand she'd shaken, his heart pounding. He goes in and the same warm, good feeling swims through him again, except this time it's official, _real._ He closes the door behind him and shifts his luggage to the middle of the room.

He starts unpacking.

* * *

a/n: wells, usually I have a follow-up on what i'm going to write after this; this one: none, so the next chapter is probably going to take a while. thanks for the review/fav/follow; read and review! :D

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Winter Knight: Thank you, and I will :]


	15. unveiling unwillingly

Three days passing and Ichigo's room has a little more liveliness: books, papers, a single picture, etc. It's very normal, he thinks, yet something keeps him on edge. He stares once more at his white blank walls, brooding so hard that his stomach complains loudly; so he lets it go and eats the simple bento that he brought from the store. It's bland, he thinks, nothing at all compared to Yuzu's cooking.

After an hour, Ichigo understands why: the faint feelings of nostalgia and the struggle living here. He misses Yuzu for the cleaning, the cooking, her bright happiness that glows the entire room; Karin for her sarcasm and somewhat quiet, peaceful presence; Isshin for his loud, enthusiastic behavior, even if it was annoying. He'd been entirely consumed with his thoughts that Rukia had to enter his room to snap him out of it. When he looks up and sees an encouraging look, he understands then that this is his healing part of the process, so he doesn't push the thoughts away or dwell on it too often.

A first step, he thinks.

Ichigo is eventually forced to learn how to cook (or run out of money), so he gets Rukia to teach him- or rather he tries to cook, bringing a burnt smell so strong that she barges in and helps him clean up whilst teasing him along the way. After finishing, she declares she'll help his stupid ass as long as he didn't touch her kitchen; because she didn't want it ruined by fools, she explains with an innocent smile and they banter again.

Whilst teaching, he thinks how she does it isn't too strict or too nice, just even- identical to how she subtly trains him with moves everyday in the dojo, be it at school or at home. He's gotten better undeniably and feeling much more at ease now, but still, he frowns, something feels off.

Again, he's brooding in the middle of the room; with the furrows in his brows, the grim, straight line across his mouth, the serious aura he exhibits, people would flee without question. But of course, Rukia is Rukia, so she strolls right into his room like she owns it (and she _does_, kind of). He continues to stand and brood but is vaguely aware of her presence.

Frustration hits him this time and he instead watches her carefully walk around his room, as if searching for something.

Then she flops down on his chair and declares that Ichigo needs help with his project since it looks so lame. He rolls his eyes and let's her do what she wants, rolling on his chair with his papers in her hands. It isn't until a few hours later that she speaks up.

"These...you wrote these?"

He rises from his thoughts, looks at her, and raises an eyebrow at her genuine surprise. "Yeah?"

She doesn't respond, so he watches her eyes move from left to right; delicate hands that seem to be careful to not wrinkle them; her eyes flash with a subtle emotion here and there. He wonders how significant it could be to grab her attention when most of her attention went to Chappy (he learns from hearing her television across his room). A few more pages turn and he's back to 7 hours ago-

-Rukia announces that she has to go deal with the Kuchiki business first, so he _has_ to tell her what she misses from each class. Nonchalantly, Ichigo asks what it is; she snorts and casually brushes it off with "the usual". They depart in different paths.

Thirty minutes forward later, Ichigo recalls: the instructor turned the lights off, pulled the curtains until every bit of daylight was replaced with darkness, all so that they could watch some shitty video, and-

-it was dark.

(he fidgets)

When the bright screen of the television turned on, its light missed him. The consuming darkness brought a hand towards a pencil, a paper, and with a flick of a wrist, a resounding crack, and then it moves from left to right systematically, words formed on paper after paper after paper- unable to stop, not in that vortex of consuming _hatred_: eyes burned bright in the dark, a cramp that only brought in more anger-

-7 hour recall. End.

Ichigo looks at the papers as Rukia flips paper after paper, an increasing feeling of uneasiness spreads through him instinctively.

He _hates_ invulnerability.

When she shifts her eyes to his, he flinches instantly; she looks at him sadly and gives it back to him.

"It's good that you can let your grief out. I hadn't expected a numbskull like you to have one at all." He shoots her a dry look; she chuckles, quiets, then, "You despise those without a sanity to hold them in place from committing unforgivable acts." Rukia taps her fingers softly on the table with an inconceivable look.

"Always." She whispers, her fingers still drumming quietly against his desk, "always."

Ichigo looks away from her and out the small window, the clouds moving slowly from right to left. He remembers how he'd lie on his back on the grass with _him_, and just talk. They'd talk away about the big things, the future, _everything_.

He looks around the blank room, and nostalgia runs: the sky blends; the wind breezes through his hair; the grass brushes his lying body; loud, welcoming laughs ring in his ears. Then days of waiting turn to weeks, months, _years_, and he'd tried again, lying on the grass, _alone_; but it just isn't the same.

(It still isn't.)

The sadness morphs into a flaming infuriation, a fraction of his anger unveiling slowly, and he recalls how he never saw him again, how _someone_ took him away from him, and he envisions how he'll bring him to the grave when the chance is up that he almost smirks.

Oh he _will_.

Rukia pretends she doesn't hear the words in his silence.

* * *

She wakes up, sweating, feeling a physical hurt in her heart, choking at memories, _feelings_, and the black walls only reinforce the dread as she spirals down in hell. Fortunately, the wall stands firmly in place no matter how many blows it may receive, but the sick, familiar, grotesque feeling seeps through the cracks in the wall. Her blood rages again that all she can see is _red_.

With what's left of her little conscience, she manages to thinks that it's been awhile since she felt this way. Through the red, she gets up (she never wore pajamas to sleep) and opens the door. Rukia looks down the hall and knows that Ichigo is sleeping blissfully in a haven beyond the shut door that is _glaring_ at her.

She tears her eyes away and quietly steps towards the entry, and slips out without making a sound. The cool breezy air washes over her; she looks up and sees the moon, a bitter smile forms on her lips-

-she walks off.

Ten minutes go by and her hard footsteps along the sidewalk begin to soothe the raging emotions within her as she walks again, and again, and again. She breathes in the cold air and exhales; her footsteps turn silent, and her heartbeat dulls. Everything is peaceful again, except-

-the pain.

She closes her eyes, inhale, exhale, in, out, in, out- and returns to a much, much younger girl, where days were simple and lighthearted: Hisana smiles gently when she finished a performance for the Kuchiki; Byakuya gives more frequent smiles, one or two; Renji brashly laughs out loud-

-she opens her eyes, and the memories fade away.

(for now)

* * *

And then it happens _again_, and she's perplexed; usually the dreams come a few times per month, _not twice in a week_. She does her routine again, but finds herself unable to let the heavy feeling go like last time. She bites her lip, nods to herself, and runs. She doesn't stop until she sees the trees within sight and she disappears within it.

Rukia shuts her eyes and breathes in the fresh, crisp air that only nature can produce. Memories try coming back in, but they hit a wall and stay there. Safe, she opens her eyes and stands there.

_It's been years._ She can feel the hurt oozing from behind her and the guilt swallows her whole, but she shakes her head, unable to delve in deeper. _Sorry_.

Silence falls and she relaxes, her brain shutting off from everything but focusing upon the present temporary peace, and sits.

She waits.

* * *

When she walks back for the third time that week, she stops. Light is looming brightly from his room, not the usual dull light that he turns on every night, but a bright one.

_He knows._

Rukia takes a deep breath and heads towards her condo, quietly. Seeing nothing is out of place in her living space, she heaves a sigh of relief and walks to her room.

"Hey."

She turns slowly, dread creeping up her veins, and she dares not to look at him, who's leaning against the doorway without passing the boundary to her room, which brightens a little from of his room's glowing light. "Yes?"

"You forgot this," he tosses her her textbook; she catches it back-handedly, brings it to her face and looks down at it, and realizes it's the one she'd left behind yesterday in his room when he had to borrow it since he left his at school. She curses herself for forgetting; her palms sweat that the textbook is in danger of dropping to the floor as she waits anxiously.

"Before," Ichigo starts hesitantly, his reluctant, quiet voice barely reaching her ears, "before...I did the same."

"No," Rukia says softly after a long silence, "not quite."

"Really," he states flatly. She turns at the tone of his voice; he widens at the sight of discreet pain in her eyes, and then he's brought back to how he was- _is_, he corrects grudgingly, opening another door for himself with reluctance. Difference now is he avoids it as much as he can; she doesn't, clearly, he thinks as he looks around her dark, black room, noticing it more than the first time (it'd been brighter then with more daylight, and...he stares at her).

"Yes." She says, looking behind him: the entire room lit with brightness that the stark white emphasizes even more, contrasting her own entirely. She returns to look into his own eyes that also take in the contrast, then looks at her, a dull fear echoing in his eyes. _There it is_, she thinks, _the fear covered by hatred_. She smiles sadly and walks closer, shutting out the light.

"Rukia." She stops midway and bites her lip, resisting the urge to shut the door once and for all.

"Yes?" she asks, barely keeping the strained tone out of her voice as her heart beats impatiently.

"Do you know how he died?" he asks lowly, as if half-anticipating and half-dreading her answer.

The question drops like a miniature bomb between the two and tension builds in the air; she grips the doorknob harder and breathes heavily and strangles to bring the word out of her mouth- then she stops breathing altogether and looks down to confirm that his hand is indeed on her tight one.

"Sorry," he says quietly from his side of the door, his thumb soothing her knuckles.

"It's fine," Rukia says numbly, unable to loosen her hard grip on the doorknob; instead she tightens her hold on it further and grits her teeth, forcing the pain back.

"It's fine," she repeats more firmly, and this time he let's go of her hand.

She shuts the door.

* * *

a/n: had major issues with this one, and omg, this is _depressing_. i think next chapter will be more positive...

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appleschan: thanks :]

yuiyuki: hahaha, thank you very much :D Ohh, so that's the correct Japanese terms; when I heard what 'nee' really sounded like though; i just couldn't imagine them saying that so I had to change it to Rukia-chan xD I'm glad you like the chapters!


	16. nerves without fuel

Ichigo blinks at the sun glowering at him through the window and let's it wash over him for the moment, relishing in the longing feeling for warmth and content. As he dresses himself, he takes a look at the closed door in front of him, again.

It'd been a _week_.

They'd still banter regularly, take their dojo fights out at school, but nothing, absolutely _nothing_ is passed between the two at their place. He fights the feeling, like he does to any intrusive, unwelcoming emotion; but it'd hardly been three days before he got the nerve to stubbornly wake up early and park himself right out her door. He'd fidgeted uncomfortably and was turning to leave, but then she'd opened the door. He remembers her still posture that would've been comical were it not for the dreadful silence; but a second later, she'd gathered her best nonchalant look and gave a fake greeting smile that she used constantly to many, but not towards _him._ He stood there, frozen to place, as she walked off.

Four days later, he hasn't brought himself to talk to her.

Ichigo knows his thoughts that night: fear that a step into the dark room would bring out the demon within him that he wouldn't be able to scourge out of as easily as in other times; that room is the pinnacle of his demise that _he just cannot_ _go_.

But it isn't until now that he fully feels the weight of the damage he's done, how he ignores her fear and sadness for his own sake without considering how it'd affect her until the damage was done.

And it _hurts_.

This gut-wrenching kind of pain that he can_not_ be apathetic to is not what he's good at dealing with. He _hates_ it, but it's not enough to override the selfishness within him that doesn't want to let go of the safety net he's build so far; even though that defeats the purpose of him moving in. He came here with the intention to protect her when she needs it and to open up his own space, move _on_, but now, he's failing against the terrible anger stirring in him. He clenches his fist and grits his teeth, resisting the dark thoughts brewing from the corners of his mind.

"Ichigo."

He turns swiftly at the voice and is stunned to confirm with his own eyes that Rukia has opened the door herself, while he's brooding in his own hell in the middle of the room. She gives him a half-smile, and he's relieved that at the very least, it isn't _fake._ He then notices an out-stretched hand that's holding something-

-a picture.

Ichigo stares up at her, and she nudges it towards him as he takes it shakily.

It was _him._

Glancing down some more, he notices a blurry, faded person that's cut out from the entirety of the picture. However, from the position he knew both were glowing with happiness, and even without trying, he knows it's Rukia. He rubs his finger smoothly over the two.

"Kaien," he finally says solidly with nostalgia, speaking his name for the first time in a very, very long time. Even Rukia softens her stiff posture from the name that was never spoken up until now. The name he voices feels not exhilarance, not grief, note even _anger_, but just right.

"Keep it." Ichigo looks up at her in surprise, and she continues, "You need it more than I do." He looks at her disbelievingly, but she shakes her head. He relents, feeling shame for his selfishness but cannot withhold his gratitude, and places it on the windowsill. It's a reminder of what he misses, maybe some longing and anguish...but it quells some of the anger. He stares at it and senses a more peaceful feeling flow through him; when he turns back again-

-she's gone.

* * *

Rukia is awake again in the middle of the night, a harder feeling pumping through her blood as she pushes it back willfully. Ten minutes later, she bends over, her elbows on her knees, inhaling deeply then exhaling again. She wonders if this is from fear when she finally decided to gather up the courage to give Ichigo something of him to give Ichigo a temporary, settling peace.

She'd been entirely unsure of herself, prolonged it by a week, thinking and pondering over the cons and pros of this gamble. She could only think this would work, it _had_ to work. The relief uncurled all the tension from her body as she leaned against the doorway, watching him place it on the windowsill...it'd been endearing.

The misty, nostalgic eyes he'd completely displayed had almost sent her into quiet tears. The peaceful aura spread to hers that she nearly doubled over and started laughing and crying simultaneously merely because he'd _smiled_ despite the hatred and anger that was still evident.

She'd left, shutting the door quietly, knowing that this was his moment with his uncle (and partly because a tear had roll down her cheek).

It'd been a long time since she felt she'd done something _right_.

The feeling relieves her to the point where her blood slows. She exhales a sigh of relief and stands, pulling back the small curtain beside her. A familiar yet nostalgic feelings runs through her, reminding her of times when she used to leisurely take walks at night, not for anything but for _herself_.

Rukia walks out of her room with purpose, craving for the feelings of herself again, but instantly stops in mid-step and stares at the open hallway door _without light_. For a moment, she wonders when and how long the door had been open, then boldly crosses the entry and stands in front of him, who's sitting with his hands clasped tightly together, breathing silently sits beside him.

They sit together for a long time.

* * *

Ichigo wakes up and feels unusually warmer. He wonders why he's at ease when yesterday's nightmare terrified him to silent screams. More awake now, he feels a prominent heavier weight at his side.

He peers down and sees a blip of black ahead of him and immediately stills; _Rukia_. He recalls the night 6 hours ago more clearly: awakening from a nightmare he'd forgotten once he opened his eyes, but still trembling instinctively from the repercussions of it; his hand instinctively nears the light switch before he pauses and stands up to open the door himself. He peers into the room, but all he can see is darkness, so he returns to his bed-

-the picture.

Ichigo stills when _he_ comes out of the photo and into his face, staring blindly but directly at him. The nightmare replays in front of Ichigo as he stays frozen in place, but the moonlight shining on the other blurry companion catches his eyes; _Rukia_.

The heavy tension roll off his back. Drained, he sits on the bed and focuses on breathing steadily. Some time later, she comes in and he's reminded yet again-

-he's not alone anymore.

Ichigo assumes that thereafter he falls asleep, having no recollection of anything else. When he tries moving his hand, he finds himself unable to do so, so he stops, looks down, and almost smiles. A mix of warmth and unworthiness battles within him.

"Baka." He snaps out of it and quickly turns to her half-sleepy face with a surprised look. "Don't think too much, otherwise you'll just be an old carrot."

"...Carrot?" Ichigo asks slowly, his brain unable to process the off-putting insult.

"Yep, and the rabbit will chew you away if you keep thinking like that," she quips with a teasing smile when he finally gathers himself enough to scowl slightly, but soon enough that falls and what's left between the two is silence.

"Kaien," Ichigo struggles to say; her calm, unruffled eyes encourage him to try again, "what was he to you?"

It's quiet for a while, then-

"He is my brother," she says firmly but quietly; seeing his doubtful, a little bewildered face, she adds, "certainly not biologically so, but that doesn't matter to me."

And that was enough for Ichigo.

He grips her hand tightly.

"I'm going to do this," Ichigo says firmly, "I'm going to walk outside at night. Today...this time, I won't fall to it again."

Rukia recognizes his affirmative, determined look -similar to when he forces her into his world and then forces his way into her world- and knows nothing will deter him, so she squeezes all her concern into his hand, while she smirks.

"Good."

* * *

Night falls as Ichigo observes each star that appear on Karakura's sky. His nerves are calm; his heart palpitates duly, unlike his earlier thoughts. But the moment is soon broken as he nears the door and grabs onto the doorknob, stalling. He replays Rukia's evident courage to stay and fight; how she helps him despite him being an asshole and crossing over her defense lines; all of that reminds him of the selfish being he is, and really-

-he doesn't want to stay that way.

He opens the door.

Ichigo stands there and focuses on breathing, then takes a step out, shuts the door, and strolls out of the building stiffly. He focuses only on the road ahead of him, his steady breathing, and nothing else.

When he completes a block, he returns and stands in front of his door. Ichigo struggles to stop his hand from shaking as he tries to open the door, but fails. A second time and the door opens; he slowly enters and shuts the door softly behind him. Ichigo slides down the door and breathes heavily, _I did it, _he stares out into blank space,_ I really did it_.

Still slightly stunned, he rises as his stomach grumbles and finally notices a dull light emanating from the kitchen. Ichigo pauses, then looks to the left; the door connecting both rooms is _open_. He goes into the kitchen quickly, and reads the note first.

_Good job on completing the first round. Although next time, you shouldn't go out on an empty stomach no matter how nervous you are, or you'll make people worry. Now eat you fool. -Rukia_

He chuckles at her lame attempts of drawing him and his food Chappy-styled; then he grabs the food, microwaves it, collapses on the couch, and eats, smiling all the while.

* * *

a/n: phew, ended on a good note this time i think xD tell me what ya think! :D and thanks for following/favoriting/reviewing!

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crimson sana: hahaha xD I'm glad you think so! thanks for the love x333


	17. face-to-face

_"I dive towards what I cannot see, what I cannot hear, fearlessly. It is dark, it is black, and yet for a reason only I could understand, I feel it brim within me-_

_-freedom." _

—_Rukia, Chapter 1 of centered_

* * *

After a few times of walking out in the dark, he's able to walk farther distances this time, though he still has to concentrate each time he goes out; but it's all worth it in the end when he's full of pride and eats a hearty meal after.

Sometimes Kaien (_happy_ Kaien) will pass by in his thoughts, but not to where it affects him heavily. Sometimes an unwanted image of _him_ pops up within the middle of the night or even in the middle of the day, and it _will_ affect him to the point his inner hatred come out. But when the pain goes on for too long, then Rukia helps him stand up again with her words and her presence.

With enough time, Rukia's teaching enables Ichigo to learn how to cook enough for himself that she doesn't need to help him anymore, but they leave the door between them open.

Neither say a word about it.

Instead, Rukia comes in and settles down, slaps the hardwood table beneath her hand in demand for the breakfast and proclaims that she needs to test out whatever he cooks up. He grumbles half-heartedly with complaint but goes along with it. Little things like that build up between the two whenever they're back, but- but.

He doesn't go into her room, never -not since that time Kurosaki was determined to prevent himself from imagining Kaien the wrong way. She never calls him out on it because she _knows_ he isn't ready.

Still trying, he looks at her room from the doorway, trying, but he feels the wall hiding all the anger, pain, and sadness away cracking that he would _have_ to turn away a few minutes later. But each time he tries, the second he's able to endure grows longer gradually.

* * *

From the couch, Rukia glances at the door behind her and resists against the desire to close it; she _knows_ that she couldn't back off anymore. As happy as she is with his slight recovery, she knows that _this isn't enough_.

Rukia leans her head back and puts her hand over her forehead, coming to terms with the fact that the only way for Ichigo to move on is to simply reveal what he _needs_ to know, but the risks involved are too great not only for her but for _him_-

She springs up immediately, frozen.

And then she's rushing to the glass door and onto the balcony, gripping the smooth railings as she stares directly where she'd been the night before- the forest, but this time, _this time_-

-she shuts her eyes and rapid emotions rush through her. It'd been too long it'd been since she felt alive from _finally_ seeing what she wants to see and feeling a sense of purpose again that no other can match

She'd _always_ been waiting.

Adrenaline rushes through her as she opens her eyes, excitement threatening to bubble out of her.

"...What are you doing out here?" Ichigo asks bewilderedly, as he munches on his food on his balcony. She stares at him, her excitement instantly deflating into one of shock. "R-Rukia?"

_She'd forgotten about him in that moment, completely_.

A mix of apprehension, anger, and despair spreads through her as scenarios run through her head. A voice inside her head screams at how unfair and coincidental it is to have him smashed into her world when the moment she'd been waiting for finally arrives. Despite the fear of what he might become after, she knows that she needs to provide him the choice to take it, or it'd never be over for him.

With that logic set in her mind, she looks away from him and out at the forest, loosens her grip on the railings and then back at him with resolve.

_It's time._

"I was thinking, how you barged your way in here without thinking it through, and that now you're experiencing something completely unexpected because of that decision." She let's the words sink into him as he recalls the once-completely repressed emotions returning to him and the effects that bear on him.

"Fortunately, you've mellowed out your emotions and have some control over them; but it's still too strong, leading to two options: forget all of it or know all of it." She pauses, then resumes.

"You asked me once how he died," she says, staring straight at him, "and I am sorry, for being such a coward, but now" -she tightens her grip on the railing- "I'm ready, so the question remains-

"-do you still want to know how Kaien-dono died?"

He senses familiar anger pushing against his built-up walls, but this time the anger is very faint as Rukia's steady gaze holds him together. Ichigo sees her, brave and facing her worst fears just as she always has: for letting him in, to guiding him, to making his world tilt in a better axis in the nightmare.

"Yes," he says firmly; she releases her tight hold on the rail and turns away.

"Then tonight you'll see and look into what you're getting into, and fairly make that decision."

"Rukia?" Ichigo calls out; she looks back. "I don't regret my decision for coming here."

She stares at him for a long time, then looks away and heads for the door.

"I'll be waiting."

* * *

Ichigo stays silent, slightly afraid that if he did something she'd drive him away from what he needed to know. She goes down the stairs. He shrugs, trails behind her out on the street, and stops when she does. Then she heaves and shakes her shoulders as if she was half-laughing and half-sighing. Then Rukia straightens and turns around with an amused smile.

"Following me without saying a word for five minutes makes you a stalker Ichigo," she says with an all-knowing look as he nears enough for her to see the familiar scowl.

"A stalker is when you don't know that person," Ichigo retorts, running his hand through his hair.

"And since when did I know said person...?" Rukia banters back playfully.

"Since I moved in," he states simply; she says nothing and instead walks next to him silently. A nostalgic silence falls between the two. He notes how comfortable he feels despite being in the dark, and his eyes shift down; the moon reflects her silhouette.

"Ichigo." She turns to the right and steps on a narrow dirt road that's been disused for a long time, and sees the shadow of her destination already appearing. "Whatever you decide, don't do it half-heartedly."

"I know," Ichigo says in a pained voice, hating his weakness, "that's why" -he clenches tighter with resolve- "that's why I'm here."

Rukia smiles a little sadly, "I know."

And then, she stops.

He stops reflexively as well and looks out to what she's facing.

His eyes widen.

Ichigo has never seen such a wide forest until now, yet it's not far from Karakura town. Then he looks to the right: tall buildings hiding it and overlooked by the more creative buildings around them. He recalls that his dad would never let them look, always distracting them by being...exhilarantly insane for a reason he _still_ doesn't know.

He looks at her and is surprised that her face is lit with worry and concern (_for what?_). He looks at what she's staring at-

-he immediately stiffens and takes an unsteady step back.

What the _fuck_?

He remembers how his hallucinations began after Kaien di-passed away; he struggles to keep it away constantly from his mind (admittedly though, it's much better because of her presence).

But tonight, it's too _vivid _to be a mere hallucination, not when a hulky being is just standing right there and the only light around are those yellow, glowing eyes staring straight at something beside him-

"Ichigo." He turns at the quiet, calm resonance, and finds her staring at the exact place where it -whatever the hell _that_ is- stands. And yet, unlike him, she isn't trembling, sweating, or even hyperventilating, but rather- he squints in disbelief-

_-is she empathizing with that freakin' thing?_

"What will you do?" she asks quietly, able to feel the fear emitting from him in waves despite not looking at him. He doesn't respond, still trembling throughout his body as he focuses his gaze upon her and not the thing in front of them now twelve feet away (_when the hell did it get closer?_). He feels its gaze upon him, stuck and permanent.

"I...I..." Ichigo shuts his eyes tightly, away from its piercing gaze that takes his breath away, but the image remains in his mind and _it won't go away_. He opens his eyes again, looks at it, and _now_ he feels a strong feeling of hatred coming from it. But the hatred is directed at _her. oh_.

So _this_ is what she'd been dealing with all this time, mentally and physically.

He'd never noticed this the entire time.

An extreme self-loathing feeling brims within him, an anger growing as each second passes by; how self-centered he'd been to have not noticed what she'd been going through, lacking the ability to see over his own conflicting emotions _again_.

Ichigo sits down firmly, glaring straight at his fear.

"I'm not leaving."

"I see," Rukia says with a ghost of a smile after a minute, "stay here, and don't move. Am I clear?"

"You know what I'll say to that," he says in a tone that let's her know he's _obviously_ smirking.

She chuckles. "Of course. I know first-hand your stupidity all too well." Before he could retort or even scowl, she looks back, shutting him up effectively with a genuine smile.

"Thank you."

She sprints, forward.

* * *

a/n: curious, is this too soon? no, not meant to be horror, but who knows?; might rate this 'm' soon (no, sorry not because of sex guys xD) because it's going to get darker in that sense of the word, although idk if i have to. ah, before i forget, review!

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Ayrmed: Yay :D I like that my fanfic is unusual and bonus: addictive- that I didn't know I'd get so thanks!

crimson sana: aww thanks xD well, here's the chapter!


	18. flashes and burns

editup: holy crap, i made a typo here where 'He used his _brother_ as an excuse' is supposed to be replaced with '_father'_. sorry :(

a/n: **reiatsu** \- spiritual pressure; **reiryoku** \- spiritual energy; **kirayuki mai** [kira (killer; death note reference xD) yuki (in this fanfic, I mean snow) mai (dance; taken from her sword move)]

warning: oc added. cliche. and probably _really_ confusing.

* * *

It's strange, she thinks.

As she sprints forward, stopping at a safer location away from Ichigo, enough for him to listen and see but not enough for him to get hurt (or at least that's what she hopes if something goes wrong). Feeling his gaze following her from some feet behind, she'd expected pressure, something that would stop her from acting like her usual self during the fight, she grimaces, yet somehow that isn't it, and this, she believes, is because he's risking himself into it so why waste his time faking it?

(or rather it's because he's shaking slightly without knowing so despite putting on a brave front that clearly overrides his fear, and will stick with it despite everything)

_Ichigo, can you hear me? If you can, respond with your thoughts, and imagine that you're talking to me directly._

_Uh, yeah, _he responds after a few seconds, a little dumbfounded.

_Then know that I'll be conversing with him like this. You'll be hearing everything._

_But...is...uh, the thing ok with that? _he asks when the thing looks at him briefly, then back at her.

_Yeah, it's not exactly a secret, _she responds indifferently, _he doesn't care about secrecy or any of that; he's just here for one thing...I'm going to shut out your thoughts now. _

Rukia ends the conversation and waits, and watches him; she could feel her heart steadily beating in the dark, loudly ringing in her ears, a little dark corner in her mind being drawn out despite her efforts to push the inappropriate excitement back, as it nears closer until it's a feet away, enough for her to see a mist of dark green that was outlined somewhat like a human's.

Neither of them say a word or move beyond that point, like a line drawn between the two, unable to slice through the tension. Then, she hears it, the anger prominent in her head.

_Kirayuki Mai..._

She finally sees the hatred unfolding and focusing on her entirely after years of waiting, the yellow pupils narrowing into slits of anger and despise as his reiatsu flares and a shape of a sword forms from his own reiryoku in his hand; and the adrenaline fades away as she centers her entire focus upon him.

Not once does she look away.

He blurs from her sight and reappears in front of her, a sword coming down at her head at lightening speed, only to be countered by her own; he somersaults back and lands, observing her, and he's _furious_.

_How dare you mock me! _he screams, his voice echoing in her head, as he looks at her white bokken formed by her own reiryoku as well, _use your stupid sword dammit!_

She says nothing and instead stares at him head on with her bokken in hand; and he hates the way she's looking at him, with that disgusting _pity_, similar to the looks they gave him at the grave: sympathy; he grits his teeth and yells as he rushes again and is countered by her own bokken again time after time. She doesn't move from her spot as he tries to crush her with her weapon, not moving from her spot as he's flung away again. And again.

And again.

* * *

Ichigo almost can't breathe even though he's ten feet away from the entire fight. The tension and anger emitting from the creature is just explosive, but each time it attacks, he can feel it subtly but slowly reducing; and even though Rukia is holding him off well- _beyond_ well, he can't help but feel his heart leap each time it encloses in on her, only to feel a second of relief before it leaps again.

(god, she's going to be the death of him)

The pressure to butt in and fucking pull her back from it is so high but he forces himself to remain down, because he'd silently promised that he wouldn't butt in unless he felt the need to, because right now this is nothing but him being highly concerned and frenzied.

Right now, all he can do is sit, and watch.

* * *

Then, frustration that builds up is released as he sloppily comes at her with a random move fueled only by the tipping point of his anger that her expert eyes catch and flings it away from his flimsy hold.

He holds his bruised wrist and shuts his eyes as the bokken nears his eyes; when nothing happens, he opens them to find a close-up of her bokken near his head, and he's not stupid enough to think that it's any less dangerous than a real sword, not in _her_ hands; he looks at it, then at her, and nearly gapes when it's not pity, not anger, or even sadistic satisfaction, but _empathy_.

_You're Kalia's son,_ he bristles in indignation for her daring to say his name and snarls; she continues on, unfazed, _It's nice to finally meet you, Karanza._

He doesn't reply and merely deepens his frown, intensely staring at her whilst ignoring his slight dizziness from the previous attacks he'd given, silently disagreeing with her and would've spit in her face had she not shown him such genuine empathy which is confusing the heck out of him as he continued to stare at her.

_So, what did you come here for? _she asks him, cutting to her main point directly and immediately.

_To kill you, wasn't that damn obvious already? _he growls.

_No, _she shakes her head_, if you did, you would've taken the chance already all those weeks ago. _When he widens his eyes, Rukia smiles at his surprise. _I knew that you were there the entire time. I knew._

And then he's berating himself for never noticing that she noticed him, yet at the same time he can't recall when he'd first followed her (hiding his reiryoku all the while of course) as she walked out of the Shiba's home, humming as she went down to buy some lunch and back; then the nights when she'd woken up from the nightmares he'd personally set up for her; from the time he'd been at the forest, baiting her to come in- and she never did, until now.

_I had to lie to myself, _she muses, _otherwise, you'd notice of course. Humans can be very good liars, especially to themselves. _She pauses, then, _Now I'll ask again: what did you come here for?_

_I...I..._ he's at a loss of words, feelings stripped and exposed in front of her as the sores and draining energy finally settles in, still befuddled from all the energy he poured into fighting her, and now he's thinking that maybe this was her plan: tire him out physically then mentally until all the ferocity is rushed out of him, forcing him to reflect on his actions which is easier since he has no energy to feel angry. And to his dismay-

-it works.

Memories rush back at him as he remembers the despair he felt as Kalia was brought to the grave, the ice encasing him that showed it was _her_ doing, and how anger quickly replaced sadness, pushing back all the tears as he swore he would avenge him.

He'd used his father as an excuse to not feel pathetic.

_Dammit_, he thinks to himself, not caring that she could hear him, engulfed by the disgraceful fact as he wallows in his shame, _goddammit_.

Rukia's bokken fades from its place near his head back into her body, and she stands there quietly in front of him, looking at the broken boy in front of her and she can't help but be saddened immensely, thinking that had she been openminded, there might've been another way, but she quickly pushes away her regrets, placing his feelings in front of hers- _I'm sorry for killing Kalia._

A dam breaks apart in him as he let's grief consumes his entirety, battling with residing anger that refuses to leave. And finally he asks the question that he's been wanting to ask since he found her.

_Why?_

The question fills the air that even from afar, Ichigo can feel the tension; he dares not move and clenches his fist, waiting.

_Kalia was becoming consumed with the idea of gaining more power, so before he could go ahead and kill anyone to gain that weapon, I was ordered to execute him. _She finally says, voice blunt but gentle.

_What?_ He questions in disbelief, trying to recall feelings of uneasiness and fear towards his father during his time with him. _But I never-_

_Of course he wouldn't show you that side of him, _Rukia says softly_, he loved you as your father._

He sits there, staring at her, begging her to be wrong, for it to be a lie, but nothing in her eyes tell him that, so he slumps down and stares out at nothing. Rukia bends down to his level and draws his eyes towards her.

_Kalia didn't leave anything behind for you... _he looks up, questioningly, wondering why she'd mention that day his entire house burned to the ground and he'd panicked, soon learning that he was to be sent to another relative to live with,_ think about why when you're fully rested all right?_

Rukia senses someone else this time coming out from the forest, probably his relative since they've similar features (minus the slight difference in reiryoku); when she's closer, Rukia tosses her some of her own medicine cream that'll quickly erase the physical bruises and such.

Then she rises and walks away.

* * *

Ichigo stays glued to his spot, still stunned by the fight and the aftermath. He snaps out of his thoughts when Rukia passes by him without a glance, muttering a "let's go". He numbly rises and walks behind her, watching her take a step forward, left, right, left, right, and stops; he stops as well.

"Do you understand now?" she finally turns to him with a dull expression, pain threatening to etch in, "You-"

"Like _hell_ I understand everything," Ichigo cuts in rudely, a little heated at the obvious insinuation that was coming next had he not interrupted, "You think I'm going to understand your life, much less _Kaien's_, just by seeing _that_?" -he gestures back to the forest, then goes on- "I'm just going to have to stick around to figure it out until I get it."

Rukia stares at him, satisfied with his answer and expression, then turns away and sighs while walking off, ensuring that he wouldn't see the small smile forming on her face and her watering eyes that she's rapidly blinking back despite half-expecting it already; it would never get old.

"Idiot." She says after composing herself in that minute.

"Your welcome." He says, matching his pace beside her.

They travel back, side-by-side.

* * *

a/n: There were so many parts where I cringed, but I decided it was ok because I wanted to ease you guys (and Ichigo lol) into it. I'm fully aware not all killers/victims are like this; I'd say this was pretty...idealistic. Also, feel free to tell me if I used any terms wrong. Explanations are next chapter through their conversation/interactions which i'm still typing on. Review~ :D

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**Ayrmed** and **crimson sana**: hahaha xD glad to see the enthusiasm; sorry that i deflated it by not explaining all of it here ._.


	19. balance

Ichigo wakes up, blinking in confusion in the darkness, then his mind clears and what's left is relief when he sees Rukia still breathing under his chin. He focuses on that and remembers how all he could think of -when she's unlocking the door to her apartment- is a fear that grows as she opens the door; then his breath stops when she looks at him, a little amused, a little unsure, but with one look at him, she silently assents and let's him follow in after. Ichigo remembers nothing from that point other than just letting her lead him to her room, pulling her down with him to bed without her raising a fuss or any slight indignations, both immediately falling asleep.

It's strange, he thinks, that not once was he afraid of entering her room then, not even now, when her room is completely zeroed in on darkness with only some light coming in behind closed curtains, heavily fabricated specifically so that few light waves could invade her room. It doesn't take long for him to realize why when she stops breathing heavily (in that sleeping way of hers), shifts out of his arms, and sits at the edge of his bed, stretching, and then finds herself pulled down into arms again. Rukia allows him the few minutes of comfort (of course, she enjoys the warmth from him as well though she'd _never_ admit it) before her stomach gets the better of her and she turns over to look at him, glaring, "_Ichigo_."

"I'm not letting you run away until you answer my questions, _sweetie_," he says innocently.

"I'm not answering until I've got my tea and my breakfast, _Kuroshiba_," she plays along with a sickly-sweet voice, knowing how much he hated the way that name sounded after trying it once when he insulted Chappy (which fuels her impatience further by an inch).

Both of them stare down at each other until Rukia elbows him sharply into his stomach that he let's her go as he puts his arm around his wounded stomach instead. He glares at her from his fetus position; she smirks instead, and is about to leave the room, then stops half-way, turns back, and drags his ass to his room (despite his flailing protests), tosses him onto his couch, and proceeds to walk to his kitchen.

Ichigo is almost appreciative of her remembering it but the way she does it is something else and he swears he'll get back at her as he dramatically bends over in pain to the small dinner table after doing his daily morning routines. She laughs at his histrionic display and delivers the food in front of him; instantly his revenge plans are forgotten as he eats; she eats as well with gracefulness that only a Kuchiki could muster despite being the hungrier one.

Then she places her chopsticks down and looks at him whose already done with his food.

"For starters, tell me what you saw yesterday from the beginning," Rukia sips her tea lightly to not burn herself by the touch of it.

"The forest, when I saw a ghost for the first time, I remembered how my dad would never let us near the forest or even look at it; now I know why he did so, but I don't recall my dad ever having the ability to see them, so..."

"Kaien-dono warned Isshin-san about it," she says as she watches the steam rise from her cup, "Kaien-dono could always see and sense them, and therefore could sense you could as well since you had a higher reiryoku than normal people; so he warned Isshin-san -who of course believed in him like everyone else did, yes even the Kuchiki" -she inserts when he looks at her, skeptical- "and also suppressed your ability...until he passed. Kaien wasn't closely involved with them as well as I did, until he met me of course" -he catches the bitter tone- "he had a notion that they weren't to be trusted."

"I see," he says, then: hesitation, "and then I saw Karanza-"

"No Ichigo," she cuts him off with a stern eye, "I want your _entire_ perception on the situation."

Ichigo drops his glance down to the table and stares hard at it, his mind churning as the truth beats at the front of it, repeating over and over; he looks up.

"I saw him as a monster at first sight," Ichigo admits, hesitantly, "because he looked strange and weird. But then after the fight, I thought about it and realized he's no different from anyone else really" -he pauses, then-

"-or me."

Rukia gives him an apologetic smile and eases a hand over his clenched one, loosening it and the wrenched guts within him, inhale, exhale.

"Did you..." Ichigo stops, then tries again, "did you really..."

"...kill his father?" she finishes for him softly; he watches her look off into space, "Yes, it was an order I followed without thinking over the situation completely."

"But he was trying to kill others to gain power," Ichigo refutes defensively with indignation, "of course you'd have to kill him."

"He had made attempts to do so," she assents, "but I had the power to not kill him as well. I just didn't choose that path, and look where that got Karanza, look at how little I thought about this thoroughly that that teen spent holding this smoldering hatred that's essentially detrimental to himself."

"Would you, then, have let him just go out and try over and over-"

"Ichigo," she says slowly, rises, leans over the table, "_I had the power to not kill him._"

He pauses and thinks heavily over the phrase, and naturally thinks of yesterday's events as well; after a few minutes, he finally looks at her with a face equal to _you're-a-damn-idiot_.

"If you could go redo it, you'd want to change Kalia," Ichigo says flatly, "because you think all people are as open-minded as Karanza?"

"Karanza isn't the only one who I've met up" -he raises an eyebrow- "-_fought_ with. Some, like him, took up one fight; some had to take a week, a month, or more-"

"Wait," he looks at her bewilderedly, "so you're saying you let them fight -no, try to _kill_ you without restraint as long as you, Kirayuki Mai, did something terrible to them in the past."

"Not limited to that, but in simpler terms, yes," she affirms without hesitation, "I do."

" 'Not limi-' " flustered, he stops speaking altogether and tries again, "so basically you let them fight you?! Whenever the fuck they want?!"

"Ichigo," she says, half-laughing at his hysteria and half-serious, "This isn't what you think; it's not a selfless act of justice or whatever nonsense-" -she stops laughing abruptly, and looks at him solemnly- "I'm doing this for myself."

"That's not it..." he scowls, "it's just...I don't..."

"I'm aware I have a higher chance of death doing this, but Ichigo," Rukia says quietly, her calm tone not matching with her eyes burning with an intensity that matches Kaien's whenever he talked, "this isn't a question of whether I dislike it or not- it's just something I have to do."

"And so, Kaien helped you," Ichigo says, more for himself to understand, "he realized what was going on after you somehow became friends by some..." -he searches for fragments of memories of when they'd talk on the grass (and later he realizes for the first time, it didn't haunt him despite bringing it to the front)- "rare meeting between the Kuchiki and Shiba?"

"Yes and no," she says, looking down, "Before this routine of letting ghosts fight me, before assassinating those who were hinted to be trouble, there was a war...and Kaien-dono helped me survive." She stares down at her now, cold cup without an ounce of warmth. "He didn't make it. Obviously."

He stares at her, dumbfounded, out of all the options he'd thought through during that short span of time, he'd never thought kind, happy-go-lucky Kaien-dono would willingly participate in a war- he stops, and let's the memories trickle in a little more.

"-Is the war between the shinigami and the morphers?"

"...Yes," Rukia says carefully after blinking once, then twice as to how he got the information. "how..."

"Kaien told me a story that a long time ago, the shinigami and morphers coexisted with each other peacefully until a shinigami forced a line between the two groups somehow, forcing each of them to live secluded from the other. Since then, the feud has remained and grown between them. But there were some who wanted to re-unite, and frustrated by the lack of action, they threw a riot which escalated into a war between those who wanted to unite and those who didn't. It went on for maybe a year until the shinigami had had enough, so they hired an outsider to try to end the war quickly. The girl is hired and trained, but it doesn't end as fast as they want to, so they hire another hero to help end the war faster. He helped the girl, united the country, and they lived happily at the end." He pauses. "you're the girl obviously, so the self-proclaimed hero is Kaien?"

"Yes, and the war is in short, like that, but the ending is incorrect: he and many others died before they could see the result; the country is certainly not completely united- but admittedly, it's much better than I thought it'd be; however, the war bred those unacceptable to the current society which I assassinated, furthering tensions...and now, this is where I am."

Both pause to let it sink in that Kaien always planned to have Ichigo meet up with her -not the fake self she imposed on many but her whole self- whether she liked it or not; typical Kaien, she thinks with a soft grin on her face, always thinking about others over himself, unlike me in the past and even- "Ouch!" she winces as she pulls back from the finger in front of her forehead.

"Stop blaming yourself for Kaien's decision to join the war," Ichigo says with a frown, "you gave him a choice to do so" -she looks off to the side, restraining- "and besides" -he stops and refills her half-cold cup and places it down- "I know better than anyone why Kaien would want to do so."

Rukia drinks, not too cold, not too hot- at a perfectly mellow and warm temperature. As she drinks, she tries, but no matter how hard she thinks, she still doesn't understand why the two would bother with her- except Ichigo's is partly understandable since his intention is clear: to find out the truth behind Kaien's death; and speaking of which -she narrows her eyes- stupid Kaien-dono decided Ichigo would know her sooner or later despite knowing it could be another life taken. She thinks about the million ways to torture him when she finds him in the afterlife (assuming he hasn't lost his memories) as soon as she gets there; darn fool, she thinks.

"After seeing Karanza, I..." Rukia looks up to see Ichigo who's wearing an unsure look, "I think-"

Then he instantly stops and swirls his head back to the window in the direction of the reiatsu. He turns and catches Rukia's gaze; they nod and head out the door.

"When I get there, I'll do the talking," she says as they rush towards the forest; this time they go into the forest instead of staying out on the grass, "you know the drill."

"Yeah," he says quietly, feeling that slight gut-wrenching nausea had begun after the instinctive adrenaline to follow after her mellows when he thinks about having to witness more of this reality, and then his face is pulled down by strong hands, and he's staring into a flame that wipes out his fear; and then-

-she's off.

* * *

a/n: ahhhgh, i was going to add more but the second part isn't flowing well so I split it into two; this is part 1 of what's to come.

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crimson sana: ummm, maybe? I don't know since I don't plan this story out but rather just let the story have its own flow.


	20. forcing past boundaries (even in pain)

a/n: as mentioned in the summary, I'm changing the rating to T since i'm treading on not-really-touched-upon/accepted topic. otherwise, enjoy! :D

* * *

Rukia walks alone through the forest; if seen, she'd look lonely, but she doesn't feel that way, not when she knows he's behind her watching over, and of course, _that_, she is slightly irritated, but she understands (because she'd feel the same all the time after Kaien, and now: Ichigo; his choices and the path he will take, even she doesn't know; all she can hope is that after this, he'll know what he wants).

All thoughts leave as she focuses on Karanza standing before her, its piercing yellow eyes staring right at her, not quite angry or happy, neutral. Maybe, she thinks, it's because they're in this forest that provides so much life but a peace that doesn't ring often in a crowded, busy, hectic world, a breath of the crisp, refreshing air and her pulse is calm, completely unlike the outside boundaries of the forest: sunny and bright during the day and pitch black at night; but the moment she steps in here-

-it's different.

_I thought about it. What you said_, Karanza finally thinks, hesitant to admit it himself, _he wanted me to forget about him and move on._

_Yes_, Rukia thinks about the time that despite being so far off in the distance, even she could see the fire rising into the air, seeping away the life that had been there, _Kalia did._

_I came here to see if I could forgive you._ He focuses his attention only on her this time, a blank space surrounding them, and finds his eyes narrowing without his control, a familiar subtlety of anger that brims deep down in him; no matter how tired he is, no matter how exhausted he is- it'd been a part of him that would take more time to subdue; he looks away with a sigh of disappointment, _I just can't, _he thinks, regretfully_._

_I know, _she echoes, softly but not wavering, _I don't expect you to forgive me. _He looks up at her with surprise, and doubt. _I just want you to have the choice to live as you want to after knowing that._

After a minute: _I don't know, _Karanza says flatly, feeling mostly empty and drained even if a minuscule part of him still feels the residue of anger, then_, I'm just tired._

_And lost, _she adds; he looks away, still slightly uneasy that his father's killer was able to discern him so well, _I was lost as well, but eventually, I took the path I believed in; and this -_she gestures_\- is where I am now. As I said at the start_ -he remembers her declaration that rang through the air after there were no more deaths by her hand, and he'd laughed then, cynical, disbelieving, bitter- _I'll help you if you need it, anytime, anyplace._

_Keh, _he shakes his head back and forth, _you're different from the past Kirayuki Mai- the merciless hybrid assassin that killed without an ounce of emotion__,_ he tilts his head, _why keep the name?_

Rukia pauses, never having thought about it, then looks at him;_ if I toss it, I'd be denying my past -_a breeze passes by, carrying the leaves along with it and carrying the ends of her hair gently-_ I want to carry all of it._

_I see, _Karanza finally says after the wind dies down, _looks like it's my turn to find another path then. _He turns away and starts walking in the opposite direction.

_I'm here any time you feel it coming back, _Rukia calls out suddenly.

He looks back, amused and perplexed and _angry_ all at once; an ancient, old anger that'd been with him for so long and threatened to rise again out of pride and indignance that _she'd_ -his father's_ killer- _suggest it. But when he really looks at the sincerity, he can also feel rising gratitude that she, despite knowing he wouldn't forgive her, having the option to run away, and having the power to kill him, still wants to help keeps him level-headed but even more so, lighter than before, overweighing the fleeting feelings of anger. Her eyes dilate, as for the first time since she'd seen him, he smiles.

_I'll be looking forward to it_.

* * *

Ichigo watches Karanza leave, and finds that his eyes can't stray away from the spot of where he once was.

He's stunned, witnessing how subdued Karanza is, at how he's more at peace than he'd ever have thought or imagined, and then he had _smiled_ at the person who had killed the man important to him. The doubt and fear from earlier that he himself could become insane from the heavy impression of Karanza earlier the night before washes away from the reality presented in front of him, an opportunity that he _could_ look for Kaien's murderer without going completely insane, to be able to move forward.

He's aware that it could backfire, that he himself could go out of control with outrage, but Ichigo decides to bet on the confidence that if Karanza could do it, so could he; besides, he bites his lip, hesitant because it's selfish, unaspiring, deploring; besides, Rukia- he stops, looks at her stock-still back, _fuck_, and immediately walks in her direction without thinking twice about it.

* * *

Rukia stands there at her spot, even after he disappears- his reiatsu. Gone.

She inhales, exhales, looks up, and repeats: inhale, exhale; she remembers that after, she'd calm her rising panic to a steady pulse, walk away, reflect, and continue on with life as she is, but, but-

-it'd been too long since anyone had faced her like this; she was returning to those suffering years of when she couldn't withstand the maniacal feeling after two years of war and a year of assassination, and then quitting- oh god, _quitting_ was the hardest; because even if she tries so hard to change, she cannot deny that throbbing feeling of ecstasy, how her heart rose higher and higher at an impossible pulse, the edges of her mouth curling up into an insane smile, and -she shakes her head, and the train of thoughts stops abruptly.

Rukia inhales, exhales, and the complete heavy feeling of guilt and unforgiveness hits her hard in the core. Usually she'd be ok, if it only hadn't been so long (if only she knew how to control composure as well as her brother, she cringes); when she tries to compose herself, fighting against the tears filling up and threatening to spill over- she tilts backwards, slightly.

At first, her heart rises in a panic but calms after recognizing his reiryoku (_how could I've forget he was still here?_). Rukia feels the back of her head against his collarbone and down her back, curving against his chest; although calm, she can't help but remain stiff against the darkness his hand does by covering her eyes; and right now, she curses herself for his smartness in that that is her safe place in which she let's go of all masks. "Ichigo," she says with a warning tone as she moves to grab his hand off of her eyes; she knows they look like idiots and hates it (stemming from a Kuchiki conscience).

"It's ok," he says quietly, holding her hands off of his that's held over her eyes; she stops. "It's ok."

Ichigo feels the inner turmoil turning itself over and over within her spread to him; added with the comfort of the darkness and more pronounced fresh air when inhaling, she drops her hand from his loose hold and loses strength as she leans on him.

He looks straight ahead and pretends he doesn't feel tears falling beneath his palm and down.

* * *

a/n: thx for all the reviews/favs/follows! oh, and btw, review plz ;D, need that motivation!

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Winter Knight: uh...thanks(?) xD


	21. resolve

a/n: had to put this short chapter out otherwise i'd keep re-editing, which isn't always a bad thing, but in this case, nope, let's not anymore; so enjoy! :)

* * *

Rukia breathes in, feeling lighter -admittedly better- than before. A part of her wants to shrivel up and die in a hole for exposing a pathetic weakness, but she retains composure (or what's left of it: eyes slightly red at the edges and dried up tears on her face) after Ichigo dispels her comfort zone in the dark, letting his hand fall to his side.

He tugs her arm to go back to their home, but she just looks down, refusing to move from her spot.

"You go back first," Rukia mumbles before Ichigo can say anything, "I can't go back like this."

"People aren't following you anymore- you don't have to worry." When she still doesn't move, Ichigo huffs out a sigh, takes off his jacket, and tosses it to her; she catches it, pauses, then looks up at him dumbly. "If you wear it, you won't be recognized."

And just as Ichigo is ready to pull his hair out of his head and force her into the jacket and carry her home, Rukia puts her arms in, zips up (if they'd been in another place or situation, he'd have laughed at how _big_ it looked on her, covering nearly her entire torso in a baggy fashion), and pulls the hood far over her head until no one could see her expression. But now she has a problem: she couldn't hide her face unless she looked down the whole time.

She bites her lip and baits on wasting her energy to try to find her way through or to just- then Ichigo impatiently grabs the sleeve and pulls her along; she's almost about to protest but decides against it when she finds herself able to navigate looking down, following his footsteps that guide her along the way.

* * *

"Rukia," he calls out after they come back and re-energize themselves, returning to their normal pace in life for at least three hours (until he asks her, now). She turns around the corner and looks at him through the opened door connecting both rooms; and waits patiently- or she's tapping her fingers against the wall now and thinking about how the Chappy show is about to appear in about ten minutes and this is-

"I want to know how Kaien died- I _need_ to know who killed Kaien." He corrects himself with a strength that was lacking before; she stops tapping her fingers and focuses on him entirely. "Even after seeing Karanza like that, it'll never be over for me until I find the murderer; I can't move on yet."

A pause, then, "And once you find the murderer, what will you do?"

"I don't know," Ichigo says after observing her trusted but nonjudgmental expression, guilt festering in him as he recalls his previous, unfinished thoughts that maybe, _maybe_ Rukia could help him calm down as she had done for Karanza; proving that he himself acknowledged that he might become enraged, but the thought of never knowing when there's a chance laid out _right in front of him_ only puts him on the edge more; his voice grows stronger, "I just know I have to do this. _I have to_."

It was a dangerous answer, one without pre-planning, one that officialized his absolute obsession with Kaien's death, and one that would surely sign up his own death; but she can no longer stop him- not when this is his chance to move on, but most begrudgingly, from her own weakness, selfishness, that the feeling of guilt doesn't come even _close_ to her want for him to stay (damn it, she mentally facepalms, this is _exactly_ why she didn't want him here). It's ironic, she thinks, how no matter how strong she is, she _still_ wants someone to stand beside her- she sighs, she hasn't changed a lot since Kaien after all.

But when she really looks at him, all of that washes away: his eyes holding a strength that's not _completely_ motivated by revenge but by will; something she hadn't seen until she exposed him to the reality she is facing, to the reality that he will be facing if he decides to keep venturing, while becoming a vengeful Karanza -who he _doesn't want_ to be- but also a chance to become the Karanza he'd seen today- calmer, reasonable, who he'll _try_ to be. But...

"...You understand that that means you're going to be more involved in the world I just exposed you to," she says, more out of a need for clarification than anything else. He nods sharply, not hesitating once- just as she expected, but -she raises an eyebrow- there's a change in his eyes, not simultaneously bright and dark, but something more, a strength that pushes aside the darkness in them, directing not at bloody imaginations from the thought of Kaien but _her_\- she blinks, _protect?_

She ends the ridiculous thought there (she'd _shown_ him how well she could take care of herself, even if she'd broken down- just a tiny, _tiny_ bit; so no, it just wasn't plausible) before it could settle in, heaves out a long sigh, and looks at him once more with a reluctant, accepting half-smile.

"Fine," she walks into the room, "I'll tell you who the murderer is, but only _after_ you complete the training I give you. During that time, you will not hunt down the murderer, but when I decide you no longer need training, you can do whatever you want then."

"I don't understand," he finally says, after trying to make sense of it, "isn't the whole point to not become like Karanza, who almost went insane trying to kill...you."

"This training isn't necessarily teaching you how to kill, but it could be if it is to you; it's all about perception," Rukia cuts in smoothly, "it's up to you how you want to take it."

Ichigo stares at her, realizing that she believes that he won't go after the murderer or break his promise, the guilt only festering up some more before he decides right then and there, and hardens his mouth into a thin line, "Yeah, I won't be killing anybody."

Rukia raises an eyebrow at the sudden change in the room and smirks, "I'll be holding you to that."

"Try me." He retorts back; the mood noticeably lightens with the childish atmosphere in the air, both grinning, and then she starts again.

"When you want to find the murderer, it also means you're stepping into another world that's more dangerous to you," she says quietly, "it means they might find a way to manipulate, use, and attack you now that they'll know that I'm involved with another human." She stops to let him sink it in, then goes on. "Before that happens, I have to train you to withstand them physically and mentally. Otherwise" -she hesitates a second but goes on- "you'll end up like Kaien."

He snaps his head up at the mention of him and feels a light pulse of anger running through him: _it was their fault too after all_; but then he feels a nearly imperceptible negative energy seeping from her, and directs his gaze at hers. "I won't let that happen."

Ichigo watches her eyes become a dark violet, reflecting the night he'd almost been stabbed by an innocent key in her rapidly-incoming fist the first time he came over- except her eyes aren't empty or calm, but full of _emotion_. He smiles amusedly, and flicks her forehead.

"Baka," he says, watching her wince slightly but recover just as quickly, "I'll protect my own ass after I take your training of course." He grins easily, "I won't die that easily; this will be just like how I'll keep bothering you, except now Kaien's a part of it too."

Rukia stares at him, remembering the similar, profound words Kaien had proudly and exaggeratedly professed to her (before he'd ironically died); she wonders if Kaien had told Ichigo these same words before and almost tears up at the thought of it; but instead, she returns a half-serious, half-joking smile, "You better not."

She walks away and then stops before passing through the door. "They can't enter this place since this building has always been sealed up, so there's nothing to worry about if they'll invade or not. So Ichigo," she gives him that _knowing_ look, "just relax and rest up today for tomorrow's hard training." (or, _stop thinking too much about this and relax_)

Ichigo snorts, and glances at her, amused.

"That's my line."

* * *

a/n: flicks on the forehead hurt, so don't be Ichigo xD this is a short pt. one; second pt. still writing.

thanks for u-know-who-u-are for reviewing last chapter; it helped :)


	22. settling things before dawn

Evening falls, and unbeknownst to each other, both of them are looking outside the window at the same, dark sky. Rukia glances back towards her phone on the pristine ledge of the table, and wills herself to grab it and dials the phone number. She stares at the dimly, glowing name 'Nii-sama' across the screen for a moment, then she looks back out the window, staring across the dim, city-lights ahead, and to the hidden forest. She hears a click, and starts talking.

"Kuchiki Rukia speaking."

A pause, then, "State your business."

"Five minutes ago, I faxed my homework, classwork, and more over to your room for you to fax it to the school." She doesn't need to tell him it's to hide her location, and to deceive them that she's still living at the Kuchiki manor- he knows.

"I'll fax them after this, and excuse you from high school for a short leave," he says without any real emotion, and just as Rukia is about to say goodbye and press the 'end' button, he asks, "What is the situation there now?"

Stunned, she doesn't say anything for the moment, wrapping her mind around the fact that he is _asking_ about _her_; then, with the remnants of her composure: "I met Shiba. Shiba Ichigo" -she doesn't add the Kurosaki to his name in case anybody else were listening- "to be exact. He and I cannot step outside for now until he is prepared to face the consequences, which I will be helping him with."

"I see." He finally says, monotone as ever. "will you be needing anything else?"

"No," Rukia answers, then ventures on, hesitantly, "Thank you...nii-sama."

A long pause from the other end makes Rukia almost ask 'hello?' until he replies with, "Your welcome."

"Bye, nii-sama," she says quietly, and ends the call. Exhausted, Rukia walks over to the couch and collapses on top of it.

Any conversation with _him_ always takes everything out of her, yet this time, she smiles, this time she feels a little more happier; it's a strange feeling to finally address him as nii-sama instead of Kuchiki-sama. Hope brims within her that maybe in the future it'd be possible to further the bond since she doesn't plan on staying here forever. The thought of it saddens her to a degree but not enough to diffuse the simultaneous elation and exhaustion from calling her brother.

(She wonders how Ichigo manages to talk on the phone with Byakuya, despite him obviously not being Byakuya's favorite type of person. But then again, she half-smiles, Ichigo wouldn't let it get to him, only focusing on getting what he wants, like now.)

Rukia picks up the cell and dials another number, half-hoping that Isshin will pick up even if the screen on their phone will say 'Unknown', half-dreading his reaction to the complicated situation at hand.

"Hello~! You've just dialed the Kursoaki clinic! May I help you?"

"Yuzu, hi! I..." she trails off, and unable to go on, instead asks, "may I speak with your father?"

"Ah, um, sure! _Dad!_" Rukia hears the scrambling of someone rushing down the stairs and near Yuzu. "It's Rukia; she wants to talk with you." She hears some more muttering before Yuzu is clearly off to join her sister; and then, "Is said person still here?"

"Yes." She abruptly clears her throat, suddenly feeling a little awkward, but continues, "I know Ichigo and I have been visiting your place once every week and that the girls love it; but I don't think we'll be able to go there for some time for now."

"...So Ichigo and you have finally tied the knot?" Rukia feels her face go hot in embarrassment; she _knows_ his eyebrows are waggling happily at the other end of the line. "What babies are we having-"

"_Isshin-san_," she interrupts in mid-sentence, her voice slightly stern and exasperated, then quiets, "He knows."

Silence at the other hand for a long five minutes, then, "How much?"

"He knows what I'm involved in, but I haven't told him who killed Kaien-dono. Yet." She explains. "I made a deal with him in that I'll train him until I feel that he's done, then I'll tell him who killed Kaien."

"Good." Rukia stays silent, displaying her plain distaste for his quick 'ok' as it involves his own _son_, until he goes on. "Knowing my son, he's doing this to move on with his life after he settles this. I don't know the details of what the world you're in is like, but I have a gist of the dangers. I stick to my words that he'll definitely survive through it all" -she nearly chokes out a laugh, but refrains from doing so; keeping a hand over a bitter smile- "and as I said before, I'm really glad that Ichigo accompanying you in that realm." Rukia opens her mouth to protest, but falters when remembering she truly _is_ happy no matter how much she denies it.

"And first off, I'd like to point out that I _was_ right about my stubborn son!" -she rolls her eyes and "yes, yes, I _know_"- "Second, I'm grateful that you're doing this despite-" A pause, so instead of stating the obvious, Isshin says, "Thank you."

The words thunder loudly in her ears that it takes her a moment to digest that he's actually thanking her despite everything he's done to protect Ichigo from what Kaien always warned about. Then a familiar rising indignation comes yet again, but it settles down onto the bottom truth: Ichigo is willing to move on if he knows Kaien's murderer, so instead: "Your welcome." She pauses. "Ichigo needs to be excused from school temporarily for a few days."

"Don't worry about it! Uncle Isshin has got you covered." She rolls her eyes as she imagines his smart-ass wink.

"Of course." Rukia chuckles, then, seriously, "Ichigo is still going to visit his sisters still during the end of the week."

It's silent for a whole minute on the other end, and then, "How-"

"With vigorous training he should be able to do it within six days and maybe a half," she says, "Ichigo has potential and a core motivation to do this, so this won't take long. Besides," she smirks, "the Kuchiki don't break promises."

She hears actual laughter at the other end. "Looks like I won't have to tell you to 'kick my son's ass while you're at it since I don't get to do it nearly enough anymore!' when you're going to push him to his limits."

"Of course," Rukia smiles, and ends the call after saying their good-byes. She looks across the room and wonders how many promises will be broken to his sisters, unless she pushed him to his limits in training. She goes to the drawer beneath her TV, and draws out a fresh calendar that she's never used; always having kept it beside her in cases like this.

Rukia has some doubts that they could make it, much less for it to be doable, if at all. However, because he'd shown her time and time again that Ichigo could surpass her expectations, she largely believes that he _can_ do this; with that motivation, it could possibly become a catalyst to his inherent powers that he'd received from his ancestry line. She grabs a pen and furiously scribbles.

She starts planning the next six days.

* * *

Ichigo gazes out across the window, a little wistful because of the lack of basic freedom and that he wouldn't have his routine walks anymore. He wonders a few times, since he's left with so much time to think (too much), if he is making a right choice, but it always leads back to it, as he cannot imagine any other option. Feeling a sudden pain of hunger, he goes into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator. He stares at the pack of food there and looks back at the open door, wondering when she'd gone ahead and done so.

_Just when I think I know her pretty well by now_, he chuckles and shuts the refrigerator after grabbing an icy snack.

A few minutes later, he realizes he's going to be missing out on the weekend with his sisters and dials back home.

"Ichigooooo, you're so slow." Ichigo winces at the loud sound of his father's voice and drones out the rest of his dad's lecture before realizing what he was saying before.

"Wait, what do you mean be _slow_?"

"My daughter-in-law called me before you did!" Ichigo stills and doesn't feel anything besides momentary shock. "My own son being so-"

"What for?" he interrupts quickly, not harsh or demanding, but curious. "Since when did you two get so close? Last time I checked she ran so fast away from you."

"Awww, is Ichigo jelly~?" Ichigo grips the edge of the table and imagines throwing it at Isshin's stupid head to get rid of dumb ideas. "_Dad_."

He stops abruptly and heaves a sigh. "Kuchiki-san and I bonded with each other through Kaien." He pauses for a second, testing the waters of saying his name, but there's no reaction on the other end; he goes on whilst smiling a little. "I already knew she existed since Kaien always talked about her like she was his sister, but seeing and talking to her made it real. Last time I saw her was when she was with Kaien, smiling brightly." He stops and clears his throat. "Of course, you never met her once since you were always with your mother or I was visiting the Kuchiki household." Isshin smiles wistfully. "Kaien was so bright and sunny that it affected even the Kuchiki; they'd let him in with welcome arms."

"...Was this before the Shiba clan disappeared?" Ichigo asks, hesitantly.

"Of course, otherwise she wouldn't have acted all surprised and run off like that at first glance." Isshin chuckles sadly. "I never saw her again until you brought her over."

"I see." Ichigo says nothing, digesting that his crazy dad and Rukia had been acquainted before he himself had known her; he'd originally thought Rukia just didn't think she'd see a Shiba again. "So Rukia has told you just about everything."

"Enough to take you off from school" -Ichigo raises an eyebrow at this, having never done this before- "and enough to be proud of my son."

"Tch, yeah."

"No crying now big boy, 'k?" Ichigo tries to protest, but Isshin continues quickly. "Your mother and Kaien are watching you; your sisters are waiting for you; and I'm waiting to hear your ass get beat."

"Of course," he affirms, and adds, "My ass won't get beat by this simple training." He hears smothered laughter from his father's end, who's probably covering his mouth, says a quick "good luck" in between laughter, before ending the call. Ichigo stares at it, shakes his head, and heads to bed.

* * *

a/n: gotta put in the feels before the hell begins :3 Thanks for leaving awesome stuff for me by clicking buttons/typing; keep leaving me some k? xD

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Winter Knight: thanks again :D I try


	23. control

Ichigo wakes up sluggishly to a not-so-gentle tap on his shoulder-arm; he blinks and opens his eyes sluggishly to a pair of impatient, fiery eyes. "Now?"

"It's 5 a.m.," Rukia says as he blankly stares at her, not quite understanding, "I gave you a full nine hour sleep, so get up and eat. Oh-" She looks back at him from the kitchen. "and don't bother to change. I'll provide you the formal attire."

_Shit_, he thinks to himself. He personally never liked the kendo uniform or the rules since he'd been under Kenpachi, who obviously never followed even a tenth of the proper rules. _He's rubbed off on me_, he thinks, slightly annoyed by this as he prepares for the day.

He goes into the kitchen and quickly eats the food; Rukia meanwhile is leaning back against the counter. He stares at her that even she notices eventually and offers, "Just going over what I plan to do in my head." Ichigo immediately remembers what Isshin tells him before and instinctively feels cautious over the unknown. Able to read the caution in his face, she shoots him an amused look. "Come on."

Ichigo raises an eyebrow, following her to the dojo. Rukia goes to the door where her equipment and his were lying.

"Usually I'd train people hard before doing this, even if you had been trained by some ultimate fighter like Kenpachi," she says as she efficiently and neatly stacks the items against the other side of the closet, "But I've sparred with you personally, and I'd say that you're already at a proficient level. All we need to do is pull out that potential of yours and then teach you to utilize it."

She bends down to a corner and reveals a small sliding block that would've gone unnoticeable since everything was painted pitch black. Ichigo stares as she opens it slowly.

There's no light at _all_.

He flinches slightly when Rukia grabs his hand firmly; she watches him calm down and says, softly, "Just follow my lead." She crawls into the block easily; Ichigo follows after.

"Here." Ichigo hears some shuffling and then a rustle; his hand feels soft fabric. "It's the shinigami's uniform for training for faster progress. Change, and tell me if you need help."

Silence, then, "Um...you aren't going to a different room...?" He asks tentatively after not hearing any movements indicating that she was leaving.

"You promise not to spasm while you're here?" She says dryly. "it's not my first time seeing a male's body, _and_ it's dark here, so I figured it'd be ok. But if it makes you feel better I'll look the other way."

"Point taken," he says grudgingly as he changes. He's surprised that he actually likes the uniform; it's sewed firmly together but feels smooth, _silky_ even. A few minutes later, he finishes. She turns around and checks he's wearing it right by running her reiryoku over his clothes; without a word, she steps forward, and flattens out the folds of the uniform at the front and straightens out the slight wrinkles.

"There." She says resolutely with a final pat, lingering a little longer than necessary; then, she laughs. "You can breathe now Ichigo."

"...Shut up," he mumbles, a little breathless; for once, he appreciates the dark, given the fact that the dark hides his red face.

"Close your eyes, Ichigo," she says quietly, her voice resounding throughout the large room. "It'll be much easier to do what I'm going to teach you; trust me."

Hesitantly, he does so, but not without remarking, _of course_ _I trust you_.

"You remember how the left side of your head throbbed slightly whenever you sent out your thoughts or received them from others?" He nods. "What you felt was where your thoughts' reiryoku is stored, and can therefore be utilized, such as to send or receive thoughts. But it can also help you control the two separate types of reiryoku: the body's and the soul's by using your thoughts. Try controlling your body's reiryoku first."

With his eyes closed, Ichigo commands his eye's reiryoku to turn on, and it does, but not without a strange feeling that something dark is simultaneously being unleashed. However, the feeling fades as he realizes he's able to make out Rukia's form in the dark through his closed eyelids; he opens them and finds that what he sees is her reiryoku that is spread throughout her entire being, and wonders how someone so small could hold _that_ much reiryoku.

"Do you notice anything different?" Rukia asks quietly.

He looks around the room and themselves, then, "This small room, our clothes, have reiryoku..."

"You're almost right, except what you see is their soul, not their reiryoku. In other words, people aren't the only ones with souls; _everything_ has one." Ichigo nods then tries out the rest of his body's reiryoku with success.

"Now that you've attained control over your body's reiryoku," she says, after he finishes, "try to unleash your soul's reiryoku by sending a command throughout your body. From there, it should unleash from wherever it's stored."

He concentrates and sends the command, his entire body tingling. A long minute passes before he feels a prominent pulse of strong reiryoku seep out from his heart. He surprises himself, easily controlling it with his thoughts as he musters it out and around his body; but when he opens his eyes, it snaps back in.

"Idiot, I said to close your eyes didn't I. For a beginner, if you open them, you lose focus." Rukia says dryly; he mutters "shut up" and tries again with his eyes closed; his soul's reiryoku surrounds him again. He focuses and maintains it.

"Perfect," she affirms after a while. "Now try opening your eyes."

He does so and winces yet again. Shuffling is heard, and then he feels a pair of hands gently pressed on the area above his heart. The reiryoku glowing on her hands peel away the unneeded binds attached to his reiryoku that limit its potential. He opens his eyes.

It stays.

_Let yourself go, and it will form what currently reflects yourself, _Rukia's soft voice blends in with the rest of his mind as he let's the reiryoku have control over him; moments later, he feels it harden into an abnormally large black blade shaped like a cleaver with its handle wrapped in a long, white bandage.

Ichigo stares at the zanpakuto in his hand and feels Rukia's prominent stare as well despite it being dark. Before he can find out what her gaze looks like with his new control over his eye's reiryoku, she turns away swiftly and slides the door open, light seeping in.

"Let's go."

* * *

He let's her lead him to the dojo and instinctively stands on the left half of the dojo like they usually do when training in the dojo. She catches his stare and chuckles. "So you finally noticed that I'm wearing the same uniform as you?"

"Ah, um, yeah," Ichigo finally says, shaking out of his stupor. "Since when?"

"This morning," she replies easily, "men usually don't notice the changes in what we wear unless it's of great change, and _you_" -she gives him an amused look- "you're even less likely to notice that."

"Well...it suits you," he says awkwardly, running his hand through his hair while looking off to the side. Rukia laughs.

_Thanks_. He hears her and quickly looks at her, surprised to hear her sound so genuine. He watches her grab the familiar wooden bokken she personally uses during training in this dojo from the closet and catches his questioning look.

"If I used my current bokken made from my reiryoku, yours would shatter." She twirls the bokken around her fingers, feeling the handle intertwine with her grip.

"Why?" He eyes his humongous zanpaktou to her thin one that has no blade to counteract with. She doesn't say anything for a moment, straightening herself before replying: "What matters in this particular world is the will, not the appearance."

"...What?" He asks, baffled, after he tries wrapping his head around it.

"You'll understand better after I demonstrate it to you. Now," she raises its wooden blade and smirks, "let's play, shall we?"

* * *

a/n: wow, it's been a month now. Sorry for the long wait, all I can say is tests, finals, exhaustion, then my laptop died ._. but at least my tablet works, although typing this on it still feels pretty weird, so this chapter might've come out different idk. I'm also aware that this is probably confusing, so feel free to ask; I'll answer them the best I can. Thanks for reading/following/favoriting/reviewing! :D

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	24. smash it into his face

_"What matters in this particular world is the will, not the appearance."_

* * *

An hour later, Ichigo cringes as he skids back across the floor but manages to stop himself on his heels and steadies himself again. In one step, he leaps at her, only to be thrown back by her bokken again. Ichigo pauses and stares at her, trying to comprehend how a mere, wooden bokken could stop his gigantic, metal sword-

"There are no rests in battle." Although startled, he swerves behind with an arm out and grabs her bokken to throw her off. Instead, pain instantly shocks his hand that he releases it and quickly dodges back while feeling nothing in his hand.

"I'm not _that_ much of an idiot to have not thought about that." Rukia smirks; Ichigo waits patiently and she looks on dryly. "This isn't anime or television Ichigo. No enemy will explain how it's done; _you've_ got to figure it out."

Unable to retort due to exhaustion and lack of breath, Ichigo uses his zanpakuto to steady himself upright, refraining from giving in to the bruises from impact. She watches him silently and decides now is the time.

"Ichigo." He looks up, still panting. "Why do the Shiba hate the Kuchiki so much?"

Startled by the sudden question, he gawks before recovering and narrowing his eyes. "It's not us that hates them but the Kuchiki's Elders that hates _us_. Kaien was the only one who was able to bypass that and look at each clan equally-"

"-and you can't?" She arches an eyebrow, increasing his already-rising irritation for hardly affecting her and for being thrown-about like a rag.

"How can I when _they're_ the ones who drove us out?" Ichigo grits his teeth angrily as he recalls how the Elders looked at him and his family with apathy. "They're cowards. All of them. Wanting to avoid trouble and a bad reputation when Kaien died while visiting the Kuchiki clan."

"But your father voluntarily left first," she says with a quirk of her eyebrow. "Do you know why?" He says nothing. "Your father replaced your last names back to the Kurosaki name, and you and I know it's bullshit to say that the Shiba clan needed to hide since the Kuchiki's Elders wouldn't have cared as long as the distance remained large. So, do you know the _real_ reason why?" Again, he stares blankly at her. "You know nothing about your clan and yet you speak as if you do. You had _years_ to ask him. Do you even _care_?"

"Of course I do!" He protests loudly, standing up taller. "Why wouldn't-?" He stops speaking and quickly blocks her wooden blade. She glares at him icily.

"Then why does your sword look like _that?_" Rukia asks harshly. "The fact that it doesn't have a handle means you've forgotten who the Shiba and the Kurosaki truly are." She inches her furious gaze closer to him and spats. "Because you're afraid that remembering it will bring along what you've repressed, all of this- just to protect yourself!"

With that, she flicks away his sword out of range and kicks his stomach, sending him crashing into the wall. "And _this_ is all because you cannot accept that _you couldn't protect your mother!_"

"SHUT UP!" Ichigo roars out, his reiatsu suddenly bursting through the air. Rukia matches his angry gaze evenly as he bursts through the dust and brings down his sword. He glares furiously at her. "What gives you the right to say that" -he swings her back and clashes with her again- "when _you_ couldn't protect Kaien?"

"_Because I accept it!_" Her eyes light with fire as she flings him back and pursues after him, clashing with his sword yet again. "You're right in that I couldn't face Isshin-san until you stopped me, but I could've kept running away, and I didn't! You-" -she grits her teeth and pushes him back- "_you_ have been given the option to face your fears, and agreed, but now you're throwing it away and letting the past prevent you from moving forward. Having been given the same opportunity" -_clash_\- "having the same regret" -_clash_\- "I can't stand that _anyone_ then be so goddamn weak!"

He dodges back with only his uniform scathed in the front when she jumps up and pierces her bokken through the floor, missing her aim. Still holding on to the bokken's handle in the floor, she swings her body in a circle and trips him to the floor. Using this moment, she pulls out the bokken swiftly and kicks him back down to the floor with a foot. He dodges her incoming blow to his head and shuts his eyes as splinters of wood fly into his face. Not wasting time, he uses his eye's reiryoku and dismantles her hand from her bokken with a harsh slap on the wrist. She flips away as Ichigo rises with his sword quickly. She eyes the bokken lying veryically into the ground and circles Ichigo.

"Especially since it's _you, _who I've been with for the past six weeks. The you I know is trying to face and understand everything without looking away! The Ichigo I know wouldn't make a decision he won't put effort into!" She leaps forward and he brings down the hilt towards her head; Rukia grabs his uniform and throws him off to the side while dragging out her bokken again. She spares no time in leaping at him with the bokken and clashes with his again.

"And _this_ is what I get? A gigantic ego with an extra fucking long bandage to hide your petty wounds?!" Ichigo's eyes widen as the floor breaks under his feet. "Don't waste my time if you're going to be such a weakling!" He lands on his back against the corner of the room and doesn't move, the room spinning about him.

_That's right...I couldn't protect Mom... _is the last thought he has before he sinks down to the floor.

* * *

Rukia coughs several times, then clears her hoarse throat, having not used her yelling voice to express her _extreme_ anger at anyone for so long. The last time she was yelling and screaming it had been with Kaien.

She glances over at an unconscious, wounded, and exhausted Ichigo, and feels a tug at her heart. Rukia reminds herself that this is training and prepping him for actual battle, and that they'd agreed upon earlier that the dojo would mean there'd be no holding back (although she herself believes they both are to an extent, which is why she'd exhausted him to his limits for him to take it as survival).

Rukia kneels besides him and heals various bruises and wounds. As the wounds fade, satisfaction and relief wash over her, partly erasing the guilt plaguing her heart. Then she recalls prying open his heart's deepest wound and his reaction and keels over, tightening her grip on her uniform.

_Gomenasai, Ichigo, Masaki-san..._ she apologizes quietly in her thoughts, even though no one can hear her.

But knowing the training is not over, she steels herself for the next round and leans against the wall.

She waits.

* * *

a/n: took me a while since i'm still rusty with the action parts. anyways, tell me what you guys think of this one! ;D

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	25. dreading unveiling-

a/n: for those of you who already read the first part, you can just read the new second part indicated by the line. sorry not sorry for the inconvenience :p

Yubitsume: literally "finger shortening", or a Japanese ritual to atone for offenses/to be punished/to show sincere apology to another, by amputating portions of one's own little finger

* * *

Ichigo wakes up to pitch blackness that he cannot see until he activates his eye's reiryoku. He sits up and first sees a house ahead of him- _his_ house. Confused, he rises and walks towards it. He stops when he spots a familiar car parked on the sidewalk, a black, sleek Mercedes; scrunching up his eyebrows, he tries but is unable to pinpoint _where_ he's seen this. He notes the license plate is covered before he reaches forward and takes the metal off.

_Wandenreich, _Ichigo reads the top with a strange star-cross ingrated beside it_. _Beneath it is a jargon of letters and numbers.

His curiosity piqued, Ichigo peers inside and jumps back when he sees a man in the driver's seat. When Ichigo realizes that nothing is moving, he looks in again carefully. The seated man has blonde hair and turquoise eyes that are concentrated at- Ichigo follows his gaze and stares, an instinctive dread creeping through him as he walks towards the man's wide and strong back. Ichigo carefully moves to the frozen figure's front and stiffens immediately.

_Yhwach_

The man standing before his eyes looked identical to what his mother had shown -to a very young Ichigo- a picture of this man before, stating that this was his grandfather, Yhwach; his reddish-brown eyes instantly gave him away, along with his thin eyebrows, a mustache that framed his face, and long black hair.

What _is_ new is that he's wearing clean, everyday clothing instead of that white trench coat, with the weird star-cross symbol in the middle; including a black cloak, that's fastened with a button.

When he'd asked why his grandpa never visited, she'd given him a soft, sad smile and had said nothing. Masaki just quietly pats his head and then mutters a word that Ichigo, to this day, is unsure of what it was exactly. Either way, this man made his mother sad in a way Ichigo had never seen before, and he never asked again. He'd also never forgive him for that, swearing then that one day, he'd beat the living shit out of him if he ever saw the man.

Ichigo stares at the real-life man in front of him and feels a strange sinking feeling in his stomach. He forces himself to stop staring at him and hesitates before looking through the front window in his house.

_His mother and himself_

Before he can digest this, Ichigo is flung back by a sudden gust of wind that erases everything surrounding him. When the tornado around him ends, he finds himself inside the house, and this time the figures- he and his mother were moving and talking.

"Mom, there's no need to organize my party. I'm already fourteen." The younger Ichigo protests when his mother begins baking said cake after setting up the table. "Besides, it's only a day that I'm born on."

"And it's a day that I whole-heartedly believe should be celebrated." Masaki says, undeterred by her son's protests. "It's my son's very own birthday after all. Besides, it's not like I can make Isshin and my two daughters come back from their shopping for your candles now be in vain." She pauses. "You've been feeling down these past 6 months and a half, so it isn't a crime for me to want you to smile is it?"

"Of course it isn't." Ichigo chuckles- a real one. Masaki's smile brightens at her son's first real laugh in months, having seen how Kaien's death affected him the longest and the most- no matter how much Ichigo tries to mask it.

The door bell rings, and the current Ichigo flinches when his younger self turns to his direction, but soon realizes he's an invisible observer of his own recalled memory as his younger self goes through him. His heart pounds profusely as his apprehension increases even more.

The door opens.

* * *

A younger Ichigo stares at the extremely tall man in front of him, first noticing his burly mustache along with his narrow eyes that do not seem welcoming. He narrows his eyes, recognizing said stranger that was his _grandfather_. He curls his lips in distaste at the thought. Not saying anything, they stare each other down, long enough that Masaki peers out from her kitchen.

"Ichigo?" She calls out to him, seeing him not moving or even looking back at her. Concerned, she walks to the door and instantly takes a step back.

_Dad._

"Masaki Wandenreich, or should I say-," he says with a smirk. "Masaki _Shiba, _I can finally relieve myself of my duty here."

"I don't care who you think you are. You're not going near my mother." Ichigo says lowly, ensuring that he was in between them. "Not after disappearing for so long and making her feel sad."

Yhwach stares blankly at him in disbelief before recomposing himself again. "I see now." He looks at him with pity. "He knows absolutely nothing." He narrows his eyes in disgust at Masaki. "I don't remember raising a daughter of mine to be this _weak_."

Ichigo grips the door knob harder and refrains fr hitting him (since his mother doesn't like violence), resorting to a furious glare and an infuriated voice. "_Shut the fuck-_"

He's thrown off to the other side of the room, his entire body slammed against the wall and then dropped to the floor. Dizzy and in pain, he groans as he lays, feeling his ribs ache (broken), and blood dripping from his forehead, covering a part of his eye. Despite having been bullied, he's never experienced _this_ much pain. Still, whether it's out of stubborness or concern, he forces himself to remain awake with one opened eye.

"Forgive your mother, Ichigo," Masaki says with a pleading despair in her eyes, conveying her sorrow.

_No...why is she making that face..._he reaches out with a hand, _I have to stay...I have to protect her...must protect her...protect-_

Ichigo's hand drops to the ground abruptly. Masaki turns around and faces Yhwach. Only the current Ichigo sees the eye's reiryoku in his former self activate from his will to stay conscious.

(so he'd unconsciously known what had happened after all; this memory of what he'd seen and erased)

He forces his eyes away from the lying self, witnessing the rarely displayed strength his mother exudes from her eyes. "Do what you must, _Yhwach_."

"Yubitsume." He says simply. Ichigo's eyes dilate in disbelief as he faintly recalls it to be a form of punishment from the Yakuza. Realizing this, he steps in and grabs her shoulders to stop her from moving towards the table in the center, only to pass through them like nothing. Ichigo watches them continue with an out-stretched hand, stunned with the realization-

-he'd have to _watch_ this.

"For not only abandoning the title as my daughter and as presumed commander of the Wandenreich, but also for becoming one with the Shiba," Yhwach begins smoothly; Ichigo inhales and exhales rapidly, sweat forming in his palms, "I will personally cut off your entire hand."

_No! _Ichigo's silent scream echoes around him as he desperately tries to disarm Yhwach's sword, his hands going through every time no matter at what angle.

"I expect no less from you." Masaki says strongly with a slight smirk.

He sighs with reluctance. "Taking a hand away from you is such a waste of potential. Could I persuade you to join us once again" -the blade glints brightly under the light- "as daughter of the Wandenreich?"

"I'd have to refuse, since I _am_ Masaki Shiba-Kurosaki." She says with a bright smile.

"Predictable." He says in an offhanded manner. "In the upcoming years, you will always remember and regret refusing my offer," he says with a hard glint in his eye. "Farewell, Masaki Shiba-Kurosaki." Ichigo watches in horror as the blade swings down-

-and in that split-second, Ichigo lifts an arm instinctively to block a violent wind that spurred up as someone -his eyes cannot catch up with- else invades the room and shoves his mother away-

-blood sprays across the table and room.

* * *

a/n: let's just say the rest of the family are in another far-away town and Yhwach would actually do this :p and hopefully Yhwach is at least sorta IC.

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	26. unreasonable in a way

_No_, the first thought shouts loudly in his head, even before he looks at who it is. Warning signs ring even louder as he smells the blood, and then the wind dies down.

His heart rises-

_Rukia_

A younger her with shorter hair and the signature bang clipped aside in tight, fitting black clothing. She stands in a stance between his mother and the headless Yhwach with a white sword still pointed at his body as if it were still dangerous; its hilt's ribbon wrapped around her black finger-glove and arm.

His mother is protected, but- his eyes shift to the table.

-drops.

Her- _Rukia's _other hand is cut slightly disheveled; the fingers are all cut off in a side-cut, leaving half of her main palm attached; blood pooling on the table from the now-laying carcasses and the palm. He clamps a hand over his mouth and gasps for breath.

Usually smelling this would be ok, having been at his dad's clinic, but that extreme grotesqueness, the blood, and that it's simply _her_\- it's impossible for him to desensitize. Even so, he looks up again and stares at the scene ahead of him.

He refuses to look away.

* * *

"Kuchiki-san," Masaki stares at her with surprise and shock. She remembers the quiet girl she'd seen when she first visited the Kuchiki Clan, an unsettling feeling that she was looking at a younger self under Yhwach- blood, galore, submission, _power_.

Then Kaien came to play and reassured her ("of course she's fine now since _I'm_ with her"), she'd relaxed and entrusted her to him. Once, she saw her and indeed saw the profound effect: calmer, rational, and friendlier.

(but then he'd unexpectedly died, and since then she hasn't gone to see Rukia again.

she just couldn't)

Now, she sees nothing. Masaki sighs sadly, _she's like my son._

Masaki moves her stare to Yhwach's carcass and his head lying on the ground with obvious horror and unexpected slight pain; she grins bitterly, _in the end, I still have those feelings for Yhwach as a daughter._

"Masaki-san, please stay back." Her hand stops from reaching out to that sliced palm of hers that hasn't stopped bleeding and pooling to the floor; _her tone of voice is empty too, but, _she narrows her eyes in confusion_, there's something behind-_

"It's not over yet." As she speaks, the headless man reattaches itself together, veins, bones, and skin. He stands before her nonchalantly as if nothing had happened, then he looks to her still-bleeding hand and can't hold back a smirk.

"_Kirayuki Mai_." Yhwach says the name with venom, watching the blade hover near him. "So _you're_ here as well. To think you'd go as far as hiding your reiatsu because of me, how delightful." Ichigo manages to steady himself from the crushing pressure released by him; Masaki falls on her knees, gasping for air.

"Well at any rate," he grins widely with controlled insanity in his eyes, "I can kill the both of you here."

Kirayuki Mai says nothing and stares at him with an empty gaze as her reiryoku stops the profuse bleeding and hardens it; then slowly but surely, hatred seeps into her eyes.

"Masaki-san," she says quietly without turning; her reiatsu wraps around Masaki, soothing her and letting her breathe easier, "please remain by your son. I will deal with you later. As for _you,_" she says lowly with venom, "leader of morphers, or should I say leader of the yakuza group, Quincy," she snickers; he grips his sword harder as she grins wildly. "I will send you to hell."

Without another word, she kicks the table at him. He slices the table in half and quickly swirls around to collide with her blade only to touch air. Eyes wide with realization, Yhwach coughs as a white blade pierces through his chest. Quickly, she pulls it out with ease and collides with his blade, his eyes widening as the wound doesn't close. Yhwach glares at her.

She smiles innocently-

"You shouldn't expect the expected when it comes to me, _Yhwach_."

* * *

Ichigo watches in simultaneous anxiety and confusion as a battle ensues before him that his eyes cannot catch up at _all_. His heart beats quickly as he notes the fresh blood sprayed across the floor (please please _please, _let that not be Rukia's). Even in the high speed of apprehension, there's something else, like deja vu. _Ah_, he realizes, _Karanza_.

The look on her face- when the blank gaze moved away, and replaced with hatred and-

-insane exhilaration.

Kenpachi's excitement and the Rukia he knows now, is controlled, he knows then and now, so then _this_ -added with the unsettling amount of reiatsu she released- is definitely beyond control.

(but it's not a _bad_ thing, just...very strange, to see her like this.)

He hears a shift and instinctively looks to the noise.

His mother sits beside the other lying Ichigo now, a worried look on her face as she wipes away the blood from his temple and then looks onward at the fight with tight fists on her skirt.

Ichigo returns his gaze back to the fight and finds his own hands in fists, despite knowing: _it's__ already happened_, _it's already happened, it's not real, it's-_

(yet it doesn't hurt any less)

* * *

Five minutes in and they settle down enough for Ichigo to see that Rukia has Yhwach on the ground in his own pool of blood before her as she stands rigorously tall before him, and grazing her sword into his neck, not enough to kill him but enough to threaten him.

"I'm meant to bring you back for re-education, or so they call it," she says heatedly and stomps on his face to the floor. "If it weren't for them, I'd kill you and knock you out of the so-called cycle of life somehow, immortal or not."

"How disappointing. You've already figured out how to prevent me from opening my wounds, and yet you refuse to kill me?" He looks at her critically. "I never thought you'd be the dog of the Seireitei. What a waste of potential." Yhwach says grimly; she digs her heel in further, causing half of his face to shatter. He looks up at her nonchalantly with pity. "Well, go ahead."

"I don't need you to tell me that." She says angrily, then mutters a kido spell that wraps him in blinds and transports him away from her sight to the location where the prideful, arrogant, unsightly judges would punish him. Rukia despises them, but she despises Yhwach a thousand times more than ever.

_No, much more than that, _her eyes harden and she clenches a fist, _a million- a billion times more._

She watches him vanish from her sight with disgust and when he's completely gone, her raging emotions disappear along with him.

She finally turns to face her.

"Masaki-san." She turns with a blank face. "It's your turn."


	27. irony pulls quick on you in milliseconds

He can't read her.

Not this woman who looks like Rukia in front of him and a cold-stone face that reveals nothing.

(facing my mom but with _what? _to kill, save, prison, _just what is it?!-_

-and he stops right there, pause: it's too late, in the past, remain calm, calm, _calm_, regroup: watch and endure.)

* * *

Masaki stands up and walks away from her still unconscious son and stands a foot away from the empty gaze of Kuchiki Rukia- no, Kirayuki Mai, she corrects herself.

"Kirayuki Mai," she starts, "I acknowledge my crimes for slaughtering countless people." She shows no sign of acknowledgement. Masaki looks down. "I had no idea-"

"What are you doing here." She interrupts flatly, not wanting lies, excuses, part-truths but one of fact, admittance. "Tell me honestly, Masaki-san."

She looks outside the window behind Kirayuki: sunny and bright and yellow as the sun sets.

It'd been like this as well when she'd left the wretched place. Too bright for the dangerous fleeing where she could've been easily caught if seen, too shiny for an event where Yhwach was to declare and announce war, too much.

But, now she sees more than sunshine and a blinding brightness of yellow as sunsets unleash a tornado of red and orange and purple and pink to the sky, here.

She remembers the recent dramas Yuzu watches, where the weather acts accordingly to the main character's mood and how the rain would pour when a tragedy occurred or when she/he was sad.

(but this isn't a drama, and she isn't a character, much less a main character

she's a human/ex-morpher in one separate reality from the other)

"Here, it's a haven from him, from my former self." Masaki speaks quietly. "If I stayed there any longer, I would've bent to his will, and kill more in a war. I don't want more guilt added to myself." She glances at her. "Surely you understand, Kirayuki-san."

"Don't. Don't you _ever_ group me with you." She emphasizes evenly in a low voice (and too quickly, Masaki notes, the glimmer of anger that was once hers). "I kill unnecessary, malignant, low-life, not leave them to continue their disgusting acts."

"If I stayed by the Wandenreich I'd have to kill much, much more. Assassination just wasn't possible with so many watchers around Yhwach." She says monotonously, as if having thought through this so many, many times. "Going to the Seireitei would be of no use, it'd get even me killed, or be held hostage and subjected to torture and humiliation. What could have I done then? I held no actual power, just a helpless girl in the midst of this."

A long silence rings before laughter is heard; Masaki looks up-

-she is _laughing_.

"You? Helpless, _powerless_?" Rukia smirks with amusement. "I doubt Yhwach would choose a powerless woman for a commander of his military. But perhaps he did miscalculate" -she leans forward with an eerie smile- "since you ran away from everything, you selfish _coward_."

Masaki stares at her, unaffected by her words, having accepted this truth a long, long time ago, then -"and because of that"- a heartbeat, and Rukia smiles wider -"he is dead."- and the facade falls behind the inner anger -"_you_ killed him."- and the heart falls to a thud.

(still, she says nothing, no apology or action could bring him back or soothe the guilt or do anything if at all- not that Rukia- Kirayuki- she frowns.)

"Are you Kuchiki-san or Kirayuki-san?"

She tilts her head, amused. "Kirayuki is a crucial part of Rukia," she says easily. "Without her, I'd be different, and thus dead."

"So you've no regrets?" A pause and a stare, an-

"I see." Masaki looks at Rukia in the eyes and what she sees makes her smile. Then she sits properly Japanese-style and holds her gaze without fear and with acceptance. "Do what you must, Rukia."

Her gaze flickers for a moment before returning it back to the original. Gaze fixed and eyes forward, she walks closer, stops, and points the tip of her blade at the side of her neck. "By orders of the Central 46, I denounce you for escaping a war you could've prevented, and for tossing away all the lives before you." She says with finality and pulls back her blade behind her head, ready to swing the blade across and end it all.

"Sayonara, Masaki Wandenreich."

(she smiles)

* * *

Ichigo doesn't have time to react as the universe (or his past self) decides to spare him, the scene washing away before him instantly before he can be completely crushed or saved; and he kind of hates it and loves it for the lack of finality and resolution. And then he's wincing as he feels again: his heart- wrench, squeeze, his knees fall forward and the rest follows to the ground of endless white, the adrenaline leaving and in replace, the fatigue and betrayal.

_(Rukia,_

the one who destroyed his world.

now and later and then)

But clearly the universe, or his brain for the matter, doesn't care for a tired boy as he's dragged further down and reaching something hard and painful and groaning and- oh.

_He's _doing that.

Ichigo blinks rapidly several times as the colors of the dojo spring up before him. He stares at the tense figure whose leaning over him, her hands healing his head.

(strange that he be the exact opposite.- he can't look away)


	28. hope- it sucks if it were crushed

Rukia recalls how his head drips down a trail of blood that she'd missed, and she, immediately heals him without thinking straight. So, she stiffens when he opens his eyes and prepares for retaliation and anger to slam her in the face. But she- she-

-she can't face him.

She almost laughs out loud at the contradiction, that despite preparing for this critical moment, that despite having faced anger from all sides for years, she can't even look at him.

"Rukia." She flinches at the sound of his raw, hoarse voice and wants the ground to swallow her whole (kami please, anywhere but _here_). "Look at me."

She turns, slow and dramatic and mask-on.

* * *

He watches her in anticipation, expecting a wave of anger to overcome his senses after the shock and wonder, and preparing himself to withhold it; she turns-

-nothing.

Maybe it's because he's too tired to feel anger, the energy having been drained out of him; maybe it's due to his ability to read her easily after so long; maybe it's because this, this person in front of him- he knows, is Rukia. He can't view them as the same person, not at all- and probably because the present her is far different from the past her. But she'd said-

("Kirayuki is a crucial part of Rukia. Without her I'd be dead.")

-that and he knows she's there, but this Rukia is in control. (control?)

But something is rising within him and ready to overcome his senses and it feels like he's floating- he blinks, _hope_?

Hope in what- he doesn't know, he doesn't know, _he does not kno_\- he hears her utter his name and comes back to see the resolve on her face that she can't let it go and it's something like his mother's face when she'd been determined to d- he stops: his mom uttering words like she was ready, but only after seeing the expression on Kirayuki's face (he curses himself for solely focusing on his mother and the blade) and- he pauses: she'd said Rukia, not Kirayuki.

Rukia, not Kirayuki. (control)

What had his mother seen in her to put so much faith into her? What did his mom see in Rukia's expression? Why did she say Rukia, not Kirayuki? What if-

_-she didn't die?_

_..._

_..._

_..._

_"Ichigo"_

Her strong voice brings him back, and sees the familiar courage and warmth in her eyes.

(_ah_, maybe his mother had seen this under the mask)

"What did you see?"


	29. mmm

What did I see?

_(mom lying there, yhwach-yhwach, yhwach, yhwach- and you, you didn't kill her, you couldn't have, not with what I see, not when mom entrusted herself to you; but-but, that's not it, that's not it-)_

...What...did I see?

_(my weakness, my ignorance, my powerlessness- strength._

_Power._

_I want power.)_

"And you will have it_._" Rukia's voice resounds throughout the dojo; Ichigo glances at his sword beside him and sees: a black sword thinned out into a long and black katana with a small chain behind it. He lifts it and looks at it in awe, feeling pride thrum throughout him. He looks up at her. "You're making fast progress." She jabs her finger between his crossed eyebrows, and frowns. "Although you're clearly over-stressing about it."

"And what, you didn't?" He retorts.

"Mmm, who knows?" She smiles brightly; he stares at her and scowls at the audacity that she'd still try to hide it all from him. A sudden thought pops up and he let's it pass for now.

"How did you know?"

She chuckles. "Your thoughts are contagious, overpowering I'd say, that I'm sure a couple of others besides me could hear how noisy you are."

He scowls, then: "...So you know then." His reiatsu spikes up rapidly, filling the room heavily.

"_Where is my mom?_"

She watches him silently and places the bento in his lap; Ichigo eyes it with surprise. "Eat. I'll talk." She gives a small smirk, "it'll keep your mouth busy, otherwise I'd be interrupted several times over, and this would never be over."

"Hmph," he scowls and crosses his arms defiantly. Rukia only lifts the cover off to reveal a delicious lunch in front of him; he scowls further and defiantly looks away. She lifts the bento higher for him to smell of meat, vegetables, fruit, and before he can snatch it, it's gone. She smiles sweetly -"I guess you don't want any"- and bites a piece of meat from _his _bento; and because fate, or god, or some damn higher being up there just _hates_ him so much-

-his stomach growls. Loudly.

Rukia doubles over laughing and finally stops to look at him, giving him _his_ bento while wiping a tear away. He impatiently snatches _his_ bento and chopsticks from her hands, gorging the rest of it up.

"That's a good boy," she cooes, patting his head; he glares at her from the corner of his eyes to no avail.

"Masaki-san." Ichigo snaps his eyes to her nonchalant gaze instantly. "She's in a safe harbor where no one can reach her, not unless I permit so." A pause. "Your mom is strong, but everyone has limits; I...can't guarantee that she's the mother you once knew. But even so," she sighs and smiles sadly, "you want to see her."

"Of course," he says automatically. "I need to see her for myself."

Rukia pauses.

"Are you willing to do so even if this means your mom will no longer be guaranteed that she'll be completely safe from Yhwach and the Central 46?"

Ichigo stiffens; _why the hell didn't I think of it before? _

(_how could i be so wrapped up to check up on her, see her, talk to her...i'm pathetic_)

"You're not pathetic, Ichigo," Rukia says, gently placing her fingertips on his cheek. "I think...I think your mom should come out of hiding for her own sake." A pause. "She's tired. Very tired, though she doesn't show it." Rukia bites her lip and looks off distantly, but quickly snaps out of it and faces him with strength. "To allow her to finally be free again, I need you to be strong as well."

He grabs her hand, she pulls him up. They stand in position.

"Let's begin."

He grips his sword tighter and his eyes sharpen with a stronger resolve.

"Yeah." He steps forward-

-and flies.

...

...

...

(after)

"ah, Rukia?"

"hm?"

"when are we visiting my mom?"

_tomorrow_


	30. conjoined with resistance is hell

a/n: warning: gory gore gore, or grossness (tokyo ghoul, i blame that epicness)

* * *

She stands in the middle of the grass alone, surrounded by the trees. The wind blows her hair up and she winces as she faces the other way so her hair blows behind her. When she opens her eyes, the trees are aligned up beside her towards the tall figure up ahead.

(she'd recognize him instantly anywhere)

Her eyes shine and next thing she knows- she runs.

"_Kaien!_"

Rukia races towards him and the world is brighter: the grass is greener and shining with vast flowers, the sky is a deeper shade of blue that reflects the bits and bits of clouds, the birds sing melodies from their perfect trees- she rams into him and hugs him tightly-

-and falls forward.

She stills instantly with fear and shivers from the coldness the body delivers (_there's no heartbeat_). She slowly lifts herself off, and stares at the dead's gaping eyes, his flesh burnt to a deep pink and red, his charcoal teeth, and the hair that's hardly there anymore.

(it looks out of place with the world surrounding her)

"You see, Kirayuki Mai." She doesn't react, and the voice continues. "This is the result of your choice, along with millions of others before that you, you, and _only_ _you_, did. So, who will be next, eh, Rukia?" At this she flinches and turns to see the gaping holes of herself, white and icy and vicious. "Will it be me? Will it be Masaki?" She nears closer. "_Or will it be Kurosaki-Shiba Ichigo?_"

"He won't die." She says instantly with a calmness about her, as if it were fact.

She laughs. "And how do you know that? Have you become so blinded by that boy like you did with Kaien? How pathetic."

"I won't let him. And _he_ won't let himself die." Rukia says calmly. "So it'll be fine."

"_Real_ly? I _seem_ to recall him losing himself in anger when he thinks about Kaien." She grins. "But more importantly, you _seemed_ to have let yourself regress into someone who _loves_ fighting just when Karanza showed up." She taps a finger on her chin for a moment and grins slyly. "No, that's not accurate." She leers towards her stoic face and grins at the tense reaction whose about to pull the trigger. "_You're someone who loves to k-_"

She slices her with her blade- and touches air.

She pauses and relishes in the silence, and in the silence, she finally notes that the singing has stopped and the grass is bloody red and the flowers whisked into a pretty white and the birds are stabbing with their large sword-like beaks at the trees who've shriveled up-

(-burnt, a pretty red and pink, and gaping eyes)

-and she? (she turns towards to the now multi-colored sky)

She'd joined her, half- she: normal, rosy-colored, violet-eyed, white bokken in hand, serenity, focused- and Kirayuki Mai: gaping holes, wretched white uniform, a sharp white blade, and a vicious smile.

...

...

...

...

(before)

"Rukia"

_clash_

"Hm?"

_slide, slice, kick_

"You're using your white bokken"

_a millisecond pause and she dodges_

"Yeah, I can see that for myself, dimwit"

_she lands a harsh hit_

"...I mean, why aren't you using your-

_a cutting swing at him and he pauses-_

"-zanpaktou like back then?"

_stand-still, and he nearly lands a hit _

"who knows?"

(she'd said that. again.)

_and his mind wanders off that he nearly gets hit by the bokken_

"..."

_a pained smile, and he stares_

"You'll understand soon enough."

(and she was wrong on one thing-

-it was much too soon)

* * *

a/n: ...me and middle shit, idk why i'm doing that lately


	31. illusion dispell

He wakes up-

_Rukia_

-and leaps out from his bed and rushes out of his room and down the hall way in the dark, not caring about anything -fuck his fear, fuck the dark, fuck everything, fuckfuck_fuck_-

(he'd heard her)

He slams into the shut door and growls as he turns the knob forcibly with frustration-

_it's. not. fucking. budging._

-his reiatsu flares and an adrenaline kick knocks the door off its hinges that pitifully lies across from him.

One step in, and a wild, dark reiatsu -_her_ reiatsu- down the hall that matches the intensity of his, and still, he recklessly charges towards it; hell -he opens the second door- he can almost hear her scolding him for putting himself in danger-

_...what?_

She stands in the dark, small room, staring out into nothing. darkness again. Ichigo feels his throat tighten and can't speak; he winces as a sudden pain reaches his brain and holds his head-

(_the grass- the flowers- a pretty white- birds stab- beaks through- trees- burnt- and gaping eyes- and-_

_-normal- white bokken- serenity, focused- and Kirayuki Mai: gaping holes- white uniform- white blade- vicious smile_)

-the flashes pass and he blinks and sees Rukia again, standing in the darkness. nothing. Her back faces him and her head is up, up at the sky, not moving an inch.

He moves forward and lightly grips her shoulder.

She doesn't budge.

Ichigo hesitates before moving to her side; her head is tilted up with eyes directing its gaze at something he couldn't see. But he does know, that the pain is there.

(the pain is there)

And to help her in the long-run, he has to see it.

He activates his eye's reiryoku, and staggers back at seeing it again, except more clearly. He gags as the burning, rotting stench finally hits him. He hunches over and covers his mouth as he breathes in through his mouth instead. In the corner of his eye, he notes-

_Kaien_

Stunned, he falls to his knees and throws up.

(he'd never forget _that_ face ever again)

He breathes in deeply and chokes with watery eyes and covers his mouth. Ichigo looks up quickly, avoiding that horrendous face, and sees the sky's reflection: himself, but if looked closer, there remains a smaller part of him burning hatred and fear. His heart thuds, confronting with what he's trying to divert a path from; yet it's right here, right in front of him.

(_...is everything I did, everything she did, all in vain?_)

Ichigo then notes a reflection next to him that's whole: violet-eyed, white bokken in hand, intense seriousness, and a few touches of what Rukia calls Kirayuki Mai: gaping holes, somewhat tattered white uniform, a sharp and defined white blade, and a broken smile.

_ahh...really,_ he looks back up at the pain in her eyes,_ what an idiot_; he gets up and moves directly in front of her, blocking her made-up reflection.

The world vanishes.


End file.
